5.30.2012

Alone in the Dark.

So there I was, on my hands and knees, in the dark, drenched in sweat...

You know it's pretty lazy writing when a person relies so heavily on double entendres to try and hold interest...
And for my next post: "How to tell when someone is just phoning it in..." Also: "Ellipses... how much is too much?"
Anyway, remember when Troy inadvertently created a geyser in the front yard? Well, not to be outdone, I too caused a plumbing catastrophe. Except this time it was under the house.

The official story is that I was weeding around the foundation and accidentally bumped against an old corroded water faucet jutting out from the side of the house.
A butterfly could probably land on this thing and it would shatter.
Seriously rusty relic.
Because in no way would I be so foolishly callous as to knock against an old seized up faucet knob with a sledgehammer just to satisfy my childlike "wonder-what-would-happen/maybe-it-still-works" curiosity.
Dogbyte
Well, Four Year Old Me, even though it was definitely a legitimate accident, the answers to your questions are: "a burst pipe" and "yes, but not in the way that you hoped".

The immediate sound of water gushing underneath the crawl space filled me with instant regret concern.

Also panic.
What have I done?!
Without going into too much boring detail, the water was turned off, and we went under the house to assess the damage.
Sure is dark under there...
Of course this involved me crawling through three of my biggest fears: the dark, confined spaces, and the certainty that I'm going to run across a dead body.

I mean, good lord, it's a crawl space. Not only are you in a vulnerable position, (on your knees in the dark), but nothing good has ever come out of crawl spaces.

Lost artifacts? Buried treasure? Hell no. Try creepy reminders of your own mortality.

Now available in both skeletal and beef jerky varieties.
People find the bodies of rats and dead hookers in crawl spaces all the damn time.
And in case you didn't feel like clicking, let me just assure you that every single one of those links goes to something horrible.

So just to recap, it's dark, so there's no telling what you're shuffling through, and there's also that minor detail that you're directly underneath 20 tons of house should a freak earthquake decide to strike.

Or a tornado.
You know, whatever.
Yeah, I'm not a fan of crawl spaces.

But, I did feel bad about causing the pipe to break. So, as penance, I volunteered to stay underneath the house and begin the slow process of digging out the pipe.

Best. Saturday. Ever.
The mercury hovered around a balmy ninety degrees as I sweated out the human equivalent of the Three Gorges Dam.
"Sexy and I know it."
To stay calm, I pretended it was a prison break. Which was a relatively easy thing to imagine, as I scraped through the dirt and cinder block with nothing but my hands and a cheap trowel. A mini flashlight in my teeth lit the way.
You're an inspiration, Andy Dufresne.
The pipe, by the way, was completely corroded. It was a miracle that it hadn't started leaking before now. Apparently concrete constantly secretes moisture, which is no good when in direct contact with galvanized pipe, and causes it to deteriorate fairly quickly.
So yeah, tuck that information nugget up under your hat.

Anyway, once we had dug out underneath the wall, we were finally able to find a joiner and capped the damn thing off.
Again, thank god Troy knows what he's doing.
It was also quite possibly the filthiest I have ever been in my life. Found a dead spider, cobwebs, and enough small twigs in my hair to build a sizable birds nest.

Here's to exciting holiday weekends!



5.24.2012

English execution

Ever hear a word or phrase that just sets your teeth on edge? ..................................................................................................

"I know, right?! Totes!"

 "OMG! ROFLMFAO!"

 "Epic fail, man."

"That salad was AH-MAZING!"

 "Jus' chillin' takin' duckface piccies wif my besties!"

Clearly these are the coolest kids in school.
 Annoying, yes?

Although I admit, I've probably been guilty of several of these at one time or another.
Maybe all of them.
Yet, many of the internet buzzwords and phrases of the last few years have definitely "run out the clock" on their fifteen minutes.

So, what word or phrase do you think should be forcibly hacked out of the English vernacular? Followed by a severe flaying, burning, and a final shove over a cliff into the hungry maws of angry barracudas.
Figuratively of course.
Vote below! Or add more suggestions in the comments.


What word/phrase should be banished?


5.16.2012

Maybe it's time to hang up the sarcasm.

We get it.

You're funny, edgy, and cool. What with the way you so effortlessly deliver those devastating one-liners. Your someecards account must just be hemorrhaging wit.

But perhaps the time has come, to give it a rest.

The constant barrage of quips and cynical mockery has become exhausting. And the groans of annoyance can no longer be stifled by those weak, half-hearted laughs you seem to live for.

Trust me, it's not a matter of the "sheeple" just not "getting" your humor. We understand. Really.
But it's too much.

You are not Oscar Wilde.

Bitch, please.

5.02.2012

Whistlin Dixie

Ever date someone who's warm, smart, cute, and fun, yet still has the weirdest damn habits?

Sure she's cute.
But she's also into LARPing and will probably ask you to wear elf ears during sex.
That's kind of what it's like to live in Georgia...

I'm pretty committed to our relationship. (Even if I do occasionally cheat on her with Michigan. Shh! Don't tell!) But aside from various political leanings, I really love Georgia. Mostly because of the climate, partly due to the people. Yet for all it's charm, there are still a few things about this state that are cause for an involuntary head tilt.
I see what's going on. I just don't understand it.
We're talking about an area that enjoys such events as the Claxton Rattlesnake Roundup.
And yes, it is exactly what it sounds like.
Apparently, rattlers were something of a problem in "Fruitcake Capital of the World" Claxton, Georgia.
Seriously.
It all began in 1967.
Eight-year old David Wiggins was in a field picking vegetables when he was bitten by an eastern diamondback. Although anti-venom treatment wasn't available at the time, the boy survived the bite, yet took a full year to recover.

I like to imagine him lying in bed, plotting on just how to exact his revenge against those venomous vipers.
No quarter shall be given.
Inspired by David's brush with death, the first rattlesnake roundup took place once he recovered, almost exactly a year later, bringing in a total of 48 snakes.

It has since turned into a huge festival, where hunters net hundreds of snakes, which are then sold, traded, or killed.

But mostly killed.

While there, you can view the snakes, partake in some rattler on a stick...

With pineapples!
...or, if you're fetching enough, compete for the title of Rattlesnake Roundup Queen.

Rawr!
I guess?
But perhaps those slithery serpents are a little too lively for you.

And really, who could blame you?

In that case, why not make Tallapoosa Georgia your exotic New Years Eve destination?

Excitement awaits!
Times Square's New Years Eve ball drop has been going strong for over a century and is mimicked by various other cities across the U.S.

However, Tallapoosa gives theirs a very unexpected twist.

Suspended by his tail, inside a plastic ball clumsily strung with Christmas lights, former roadkill specimen "Spencer the Possum" is lowered over the heads of revelers, welcoming the new year.
Very cosmopolitan.
The celebration also includes live music, fireworks, and the crowning of a Possum King and Queen.

Clearly, Georgia knows how to party.
And speaking of awkward holiday celebrations, the state employees of Georgia recently had a three day holiday weekend. Can you guess what it was?

Confederate Memorial Day, bitches!
Sorry, no time for guesses.
I know I've brought this up before, but the idea of memorializing a rebel country that barely existed for four years still tickles me to no end.


Anyway, April 26th, the anniversary of general Joseph E. Johnson's surrender, was considered the most appropriate day to commemorate the Confederate dead.  Also, it marks the beginning of really nice weather in Georgia. So, there's that.

Woo! Beach party!
Speaking of the Confederacy. It wasn't very long ago that Georgia's state flag harkened back to a... different time.
I think there was a "heritage not hate" argument somewhere in there.
But in 2001, the state finally retired the old colors in favor of a newer, more politically correct flag.
Currently, we have this:
Seems pretty tame, eh?

Except when you consider that one of the first drafts of the Confederate's colors was this:

Seems familiar...
The National Flag of the Confederacy was flown from 1861-1863.
So yeah, almost the entire damn war.

And now we have another just like it.

I have to imagine that some old hack is sitting up in Atlanta, quietly chuckling to himself about this one...








UPDATE: As of this year, Claxton's Rattlesnake Roundup will no longer be killing snakes. While the rattlers are still the festival's main attraction, they are taking a more educational/wildlife preservation approach. Currently Whigman, Georgia is site to the state's only true rattlesnake roundup.