What do you want? Shit's old.

So, we recently bought an old house.

Like, really old.
As in; Survived-The-Depression-And-Both-World-Wars old, Older-Than-Your-Grandparents old, or, Old-Before-Old-Was-A-Thing old 

By the way, ever notice that when the same word is repeated over and over it kind of loses it's meaning?
No? Well, nevermind then.

Anyway, specifically, it's Built-In-1900 old.

It was a simpler time. A time when people could wear hats and look fabulous, instead of pretentious.
And were also more racist....

Anyway, besides the obvious oddities, like archaic wiring and newspapers for insulation, there's a lot of other little nuances and unexpected drawbacks to the otherwise really sweet features of an older home.
Such as...

- High ceilings.

Most people dig tall ceilings because they make a room feel larger, which is nice since humans generally aren't den creatures.

Unless you have a hobbit ancestry.

But if you have high ceilings, I promise there will come a day when you'll be startled by the presence of an escapee from Spider Island.

By all rights, this is a code-red emergency situation.
On another note, someone could make a fortune by operating a Squash-A-Bug Hotline...

Usually found lurking in the back right corner of the ceiling, mocking both you and gravity, spiders and various other insects are content to lounge, doing gross, buggy things. No doubt feeling safe with the knowledge that those stupid fleshy humans can neither reach that high, nor own an eight foot ladder.

But not to be outdone, I later smooshed the little bastard with a catapulted shoe, and left the corpse as a warning for the others.

And now I just pray that my aim is always that good.

- Claw Foot Tubs

I think we can all agree that those claw foot tubs look awesome.

And, oddly enough, make me want to have a soak with a cigar in one hand and a martini in the other.

But when you're taking a shower in one, you quickly realize that there is absolutely nothing stable to hang onto and less than a square foot of flat tub bottom to stand on.

Hey, remember that awkward stretch you did in gym class? Where you had to stand on one foot while stretching your other leg behind you?
Although, it's more likely that you hopped around like an idiot instead of actually stretching anything...

Look at this smug asshole with his stupid balance and low center of gravity.

That's basically what it's like to take a shower in a claw foot tub.
 
And things get especially dicey when trying to wash your hair after a few wobbly pops.

Shower beers shift from being relaxing to insanely difficult when there's no walls to lean against.

I also learned it's best to never close your eyes. Vertigo is nobody's friend, especially in a claw foot tub.

...and that was the second time I destroyed the shower rod...

- "Better Get Skinny" Bathroom

Modern bathrooms are fairly spacious and accommodating. But back in the day, especially in rural areas, indoor plumbing was more of an afterthought. People just stuck a toilet in wherever they could find room. Hence the Harry Potter-esque bathroom-under-the-stairs.

Well, if the loo fits...

Guess I'll be leaving those doughnut burgers alone if I want to continue to pee indoors....

Ever just want to see how slow your blood can flow?

There's also the possibility that...


- In a house this old, someone has probably died in it... and is now a pissed-off ghost.

Go ahead and laugh. "Oh haha, what a silly girl thing to say. Look at you, all afraid of ghosts."

Except my neighborhood looks like this:

Now picture it at night.
Not so silly anymore is it?

If Hollywood has taught me anything, it's that there is totally a voodoo priestess hanging out in those woods doing some spooky stuff.

Anyway, there are no signs of an active haunting... yet. But we also haven't quite gotten into the more nitty gritty aspects of home renovation either. God forbid we start pulling up floorboards, find a rusted key that fits a dusty chest behind a secret door and accidentally open a ghostbuster "containment unit".

No good can come of this.

Somehow I don't think Bill Murray or Dan Aykroyd would be up to the challenge anymore, and I'll be damned if I ask the jagoffs from SyFy's Ghost Hunters to come and clean up the ectoplasm.

"Do you sense something?"
"Yes. Your breakfast burrito."

But if it turns out that the sellers disclosure's "Check yes for graves and mine shafts" really is some  creepy foreshadowing for spectral visits, we've still got an ace in the hole.

You have to appreciate a guy who can deliver a demon smack-down.

Because fortunately, Troy was raised Catholic. And say what you will about Catholicism, but those folks have a ritualistic solution for everything. 

 We will make you choke on that pea-soup, bitch. 

One exorcism and a fresh coat of paint later, you'd never know the place was possessed.

In all actuality though, I am super stoked about this house. Sure, it's old and not in the best shape.
But it's mine, and the possibilities are literally endless.

And seriously... look at that porch!