Cake = Awesome (especially this one)

Who likes cake? You like cake? Of course you do. It's cake. Frosting and sugar and those delightful little rainbow sprinkles. I could go on all day, but to save time, here's a man who is all about cake.
Go ahead, click. You won't regret it.

Cake is so universally liked, a group of musicians came together in the 90's and were like:
"Let's call ourselves Cake. We won't even sing. Our tone will be deadpan and occasionally sarcastic, but people will still dig us because we're fuckin' CAKE! And also there's gonna be a trumpet..."

Sure in their actual explanation they say they're referring to something caked to the bottom of their shoe. But that's just silly. Besides, it's probably cake stuck there. That stuff can be sticky when smooshed down...

But back to the matter at hand: Cake. The pastry, not the band.
Because it's someone's special day...

(HAPPY BIRTHDAY TROY SCHNEIDER!)

...so naturally cake is going to be involved.

Yellow with chocolate frosting was the special request. And being a recent graduate of "Wiltons Decorating Basics" class, clearly I was prepared to take on anything.

Yeah. I got this.

Haha! Not so much.
By the way, did you know the effects of 'shrooms can last up to eight hours?**

Weeeee!
**(No, State of Georgia, I have never done drugs.
This blog is supposed to be entertaining, so cut me some slack.
Please?)

Anyway, about eight hours later, after I stopped tasting colors and drifted back down to terra firma, it occurred to me that my cake skills were on par with that of a twelve years old. A gifted twelve year old that is.

And so, without further ado:

How to make a cake as painlessly as possible

Get yourself some cake mix of your choice. Because homemade is just too damn time consuming. And besides, when frosting is involved, cake is playing second fiddle anyway.
In fact, if they want chocolate frosting, go ahead and buy that too. Saves time.

Get two cans of frosting. That's important.

You're also going to need this stuff:

Bake the cake according to package directions. Using the eggs, vegetable oil and some water. Duh.
Make sure you grease the ever loving shit out of the pans too before you put your batter in. I like to scoop a big glob of Crisco up with a napkin and just smear it all over the inside of the pan.
Note: You don't have to use the butter flavor Crisco. I just like the taste and it makes a pretty ivory color.

Once your cakes are done, let them sit for a few minutes in the pan and then flip them over onto a wire rack to cool. If you greased the pans up well they should come out no problem.

At this point I usually call it quits for the day and just let the cake sit over night. You can start frosting after a few hours once it's cool, but I'm lazy. So the cake just gets wrapped up and stuck in the fridge for the night.

Fast forward next day: Get your cakes back out. We're going to level these bitches.
Note: There's a lot of crap out there marketed toward cake decorating. Most of it's useful, but some stuff is just unnecessary. Especially for small projects like this. That said, don't waste your money on a cake leveler. Just use a bread knife.

Mini-hacksaws not necessary

Okay, so make sure your cakes are right side up. You should see a little ridge on the top. Use that as your guide when leveling off the excess.

Once you've leveled both cakes, take your chocolate frosting and stir it up in the can. This will keep it from wrecking havoc on your cake. Trust me.
Then scoop a huge glob of it out with your spatula, (literally huge), and plop it in the middle of whatever cake will serve for the bottom portion.

^These spatulas are frickin awesome. Like a ninja.^
Get one. Preferably 9in.

Use your ninja spatula to spread out the frosting on the top. Then take your other cake, flipping it over so the bottom is now the top, and put it on top of the cake you just frosted. Congratulations, you just made a layer cake!
Now, open up that second can of frosting and take another diabetic crippling glob out. Even bigger than the last one. (See? I told you you'd need two cans.) Plop it down in the middle of your top layer and spread it out.

This, but twice as much.

A lot of cake people may refer to this as "crumb coating", which basically means "use way more frosting than you need at first to keep those bastard crumbs from getting all up in your icing".

Get the top smoothed out first and then work on the sides.

Cake looking good? Great. Stick it in the fridge while you get your decorating stuff ready.

I wanted to do a simple design on my cake (because I'm not that good) and some basic lettering. 

So I printed the picture I wanted:

Make sure it's the right size for your cake.

I put some wax paper over the picture and secured it using tape. (Some people say you should use parchment paper, but unless you're a professional, don't bother.)
Then I filled one of my piping bags with some of the piping gel and using the No. 5 tip, simply traced the picture. To do lettering the concept is the same, (although I free-handed mine because I ran out of patience), except you need to remember that when you flip the wax paper onto the cake it's going to make a mirror image.
What I would do is print out your message in the font you want, trace over the lettering with a sharpie marker so it'll bleed through, then flip the "Happy Birthday" or whatever, over and arrange it under the wax paper. Tracing the backwards lettering with the piping gel.
Flip your gel-licious design onto your cake. Gently press down where there's gel piping and slowly remove.

I just used buttercream frosting for embellishment here, and stuck with white for a sharp contrast. Here's how to make it. By the way, you don't have to use milk, water works fine and won't spoil.

Fill your second piping bag with the buttercream and using the No. 5 tip, trace the gel with the frosting. You can switch to the No. 18 tip to fill in a design by making little stars. I used the same tip to make rosettes and a half ass shell border.

And here's the result:

Yeah, it's not perfect, but it's amusing. And that's what really matters.

Happy 29th old man!