Don't be that person

The subject matter here is in no way original. These are concerns that have been addressed before by other, possibly more talented, people.
But because of the gravity of the issue, I'm going to bring it up again.

Ladies and gentlemen, there appears to be a spike in social retardation amongst adults in the U.S.

Yes, I was shocked too.

No, we are not speaking of people with down syndrome. They use the term "intellectual disabilities" now, and all are way cooler than the jackasses I'm referring to.

For example.

Social retardation is generally caused by not thinking before speaking, being oblivious, or just being an idiot. But it can be stopped.
We must combat this negative trend and ban together against the "That's just who I am/Calls it like I sees it" assholes, as well as the jack-wagons who falsely claim to have Asperger's. Unless they have talents and skills on par with fictional doctor's Brennan or House, no free passes shall be given!

^These are your only options Asperger fakers.^

And while the following examples are just the tip of the iceburg, it's a good start toward helping identify and then control the social retardation epidemic. 

5. "This is my friend Gary. He's gay. We're just like Will & Grace!"

Yes, I'm sure your friend appreciates you advertising his sexuality in such a flippant manner. Almost as much as he loves being pigeonholed into a particular personality type.
Also, if this is seriously how you introduce your friend, it's kind of hard for the conversation to progress...

"So, Gary, nice to meet you. Um, how long have you liked dick?"

In no way can this end well.

If "Gary" is really your friend, why wouldn't you reference his hobbies, work, or interests instead?
Surely I can't be too out of line with this way of thinking?

And yet it's not just the girls being socially retarded...

4. "Hey girl, you like to party?"

Most females are not idiots. Your thinly veiled suggestion to do drugs/have sex is unbelievable disgusting. And in our eyes you have just morphed into Slimer.

Not something anyone wants to go home with.

Also, idiot, we're at a bar/club/house party and shaking it to "Get Low". (That's still a thing, right?) Clearly we enjoy participating in festive events.
Say that line to a female while trying to get your dance on from behind and see how fast she turns to her friends with the "Help Me" face.

3. "Wow, you're all grown up now aren't you?"

Since we're on the subject of slimy men, granted this one may be more of a niche issue, yet it deserves to be addressed.
Gentlemen, I understand you may be recently divorced. So you want to go out and do what you think single guys do. Well, when you're at the bar trying out your Most Interesting Man in the World Act, and realize that your pretty cocktail waitress is the little girl from your old neighborhood/a former student/whatever, keep in mind that you're probably old enough to be her father.
If you have trouble grasping that concept here's a visual aide:

Perception vs. Reality
You are not Don Draper.

And under no circumstances should you do the following:

"Well heeeeyy, Katy. I didn't know you worked here! Wow, you sure have grown!"

Oh my God, who drove grandpa to the bar?
Ew, ew, ew.

"Uh, yeah. I guess so. Here's your fuzzy navel. (Creep.)"

But this is not just a gender issue.

2. When addressing a black man:

"You look just like Sean Combs/Will Smith/Denzel Washington/Other famous black dude!"

-OR-

"You play basketball, right?"

Racist much?

I mean, by that logic I look like Jennifer Garner and make an awesome point guard.

The similarities are obvious, right?
Look at our skin tones!

Maybe you're just trying to make a good impression or find some common ground, but damn, not like that. Especially if you're with a group of other white people. Now you're just making us all look bad.

Although, this guy does look eerily Will Smithish.

1.Girl: "All my friends are guys"

Over the years I've had a lot of females make this statement when talking to me. Females that I had considered good friends. Not only is it kind of awkward, but I get an overwhelming urge to find a reflective surface.

Dammit! It's just as I suspected.

Their reasoning generally goes along the same lines...

"Guys are more fun and less drama. Girls are all superficial and will talk behind your back."

Ohmigawd! This show is like my life!

Please. If all your "best friends" are guys, I've got news for you. On some level they all want to bang you. If you enjoy the idea of that, then congratulations, you're an attention whore.
Also, the sweeping generalization thing has got to stop (ha!). Saying that all girls are superficial is akin to stating that all men are sports junkies. Neither is the case.
Sorry Charlie, men and women just can't be best buds. Unless one of them is gay. And even then, someone is probably harboring some unrequited love.
Do I have male friends? Sure. But we don't call each other all the time and have "movie nights" because I know what's up and it would be weird.

"So, how about those Red Wings?"

Maybe the "all my friends are guys" statement shouldn't irk me as much as it does. But I have to wonder why a person would have such distaste for their own gender. Or what's wrong with them that other females won't be their friend. And trust me, it's not because they're "too pretty".

Here's a secret...

The pretty girls are the best ones to be friends with,
because you can leave them by themselves at a bar/party/church social for a few minutes
and when you return, without fail, there will be a flock of guys hovering around them.

And then you just pick off the strays...

But I digress. So now we know the symptoms of social retardation. But what do we do to combat it?

Flawless? Yes I think so too.

Cringeworthy 2.0 "Rock City"

 Foot in Mouth Disease.

The time: Year and a half ago.

The place: Adairsville, Ga.

Outcome: You know what? I'm not going to feel bad about this one anymore.
                Not worth the price of admission.


There is a place in Chattanooga, Tennessee called Rock City.

It reigns supreme among all tourist traps and cheesy roadside attractions. Even Wall Drug of South Dakota pays tribute to this Kingdom of Kitsch.

Approximately 900 barns in the midwest and southeast U.S have been painted with advertisements beckoning people to see for themselves the glorious wonders of Rock City.

Seven states and they're hinting that it's the best thing ever??
Sold.

We were living in rural northwest Georgia when we finally heeded the siren call of the Rock City Barns.
Young and bored, the decision to make the hour drive into Chattanooga was an easy one.
The barns had promised fantastic sights, and we eagerly anticipated experiencing the amazing Rock City for ourselves. 

However, upon entering the park we were overwhelmed with the creepy trying-to-be-Disney-but-can't-quite-pull-it-off-because-of-low-production-quality vibes.

All this, but with a scratchy "fairytale" soundtrack playing.

Granted, Look-Out Mountain was appropriately scenic, the gardens were nice, and the cheesiness of the "Enchanted Trail" was good for a laugh. But there was something not quite right about the fake cave at the end of the trail, innocently called "Fairyland Caverns".

Abandon hope all ye who enter here.

In this instance I think a few pictures should suffice to convey the feelings of dread and disgust that we felt, regarding the creepy paper mache Mother Goose abominations that loomed within the caverns.

Legend has it that the souls of lost children are trapped within the figurines.

Fortunately we escaped with our souls intact, and laughed about the corniness of Rock City for the rest of the weekend.

The Cringe

On Monday, myself and a co-worker were driving around together supervising. Let's call him "Chip".
Inevitably, Chip asks the obligatory "do anything fun this weekend?" question. And naturally I launch into a witty monologue, lampooning every ridiculous aspect about Rock City I could think of. The deer park with no deer, creepy dwarves, and chintzy exhibits. Nothing was safe.

Seriously, where are all the deer?

Finally, after five or ten minutes, (it may have been longer, my self-absorption causes me to occasionally blank out), I noticed that Chip wasn't sharing my enthusiasm for bashing Rock City, so I quiet down and ask if he's ever been there.

"Yeah. In fact, I proposed to my wife there."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, she loved it."

"Well, you probably did it in a quiet romantic spot or something, huh?"

"Nope, I got down on one knee on top of Look-Out Mountain. There was a pretty good crowd of people."

Fuuuuuuccckkk...

"Wow. Well, um, I guess whatever makes her happy."

Ugh. I suck.