Everything is going to go wrong all the time.

Well, on the upside - I'm not pregnant. Hooray for small victories!

"It's the little things that make the difference."

For those of you just tuning in, I'm in the process of buying a house.

^This one.^
Yes I'm aware it's a "fixer-upper".

It's been an interesting experience and we're not done yet. Times like this I wish I knew Spanish just so I could unleash a torrent of español curse words.

¡Usted bastardo impenitente!
¡Escoplearé con gubia hacia fuera su cogida de los ojos y del cráneo usted!
¡Cómo el atrevimiento usted me incomoda?!

Somehow Babel Fish isn't quite as satisfying...

Honestly, things could be much worse. I just made the mistake of being lulled into a false sense of security over the past few weeks. Everything was slowly rolling along, but now, with the closing date fast approaching, shit has just got very real.
Amazingly the house isn't the issue. It's getting the people, banks, realtors, lenders, and businesses all on the same page that has been the real challenge.

"By the way --"

I have come to hate that forerunner of bad news as much as R. Lee Ermey hates communism.

And this is a man whose Viagra is the American flag.

For example:

- "By the way, I see you have a home inspection report that has a section specifically detailing whether or not there's termite damage, but you're also going to need a separate pest report. What? You had a pest inspector out two weeks ago and everything looked okay? Yeah, still going to need that additional piece of paper. Guess I could have mentioned that a few weeks ago. Sorry."

- "By the way, there's going to be a $450 charge for the FHA appraiser to come through. Yes, it's due now."

- "Oh! By the way, your closing date got moved up to Monday instead of a week from now. You've got your insurance all ready, right?"

What? Oh, haha. Yeah, I guess I can get that done.
You need it tomorrow?
Ah, crap.

So, I'm new to this game - obviously. But if I had one wish it would be for all realtors/lenders to present first time buyers with a comprehensive checklist of everything they need to get together prior to closing and the time frame in which to do it. Otherwise you might find yourself in the pickle that I'm currently in.
Specifically that, in Georgia at least, no one does business on the weekends.

For simplicity's sake, lets just say that I had a closing date, but it got moved back, and then forward again. Quickly. Suffice it to say that as of Thursday night I thought I had a week until the big day. But on Friday evening - I find out closing is now on Monday. Guess who doesn't have home insurance lined up?

Yup.

Funny thing about lenders, they won't give you any money unless the item you plan on acquiring is insured. Weird, huh?
My procrastination wasn't completely at fault this time either. I had started calling around to various insurance companies earlier in the week. I was so proud of myself, being all adult like and really accomplishing things. Too bad none of those companies are open on the weekend so I can actually get some damn coverage.

Pictured: Also "coverage".

It's going to be interesting to see how this pans out. Especially since I was told that pushing the closing date back "wasn't an option".
Well, I've pulled off miracles before. Like that time in college when I gave a fifteen minute presentation while hungover and wearing day old makeup.

Completely blitzed.
There's not even anything on that presentation board!

Managed to get an 'A' despite the clumped mascara and jeans still reeking of cigarette smoke. In retrospect, it kind of makes me concerned for American's educational system...

Nah.
I'm probably just awesome.

But in that scenario I was the only one I had to rely on. Now I have to depend on various business people suddenly having an overwhelming urge to dive right into work on a Monday morning.

Yes, I know. Shut up.

Speaking of problems, there was also a little issue with the septic tank. As in, "what do you mean you can't find it?"

A septic tank is a massive container made of concrete and magical leprechaun gold that filters poo.

That's right. Leprechauns.
How else do you think waste gets filtered out to leave clean water?
Magic, obviously.

Anyway, since it's a hundred year old house I thought it prudent to get the septic tank inspected.

Which is how I wound up standing in the dark, wet, while a guy poked his rod all over trying to find the right spot.

.........

It was raining and what the hell else are you supposed to call the metal probe they use to find a buried septic tank!?
Geez.

Anyway, two hours later, this guy says he still can't find it and I'm out $150.

Ugh, it was like Miami all over again.

This story has a happy ending at least. A few days later another company came out.
This man found the tank, inspected it, and cleaned out over 30 years of nastiness in under an hour.

Ladies...

And I was able to get a refund from the first company without a problem. Yay!

Such is life though. Sometimes things work out fine, other times not so much. Hopefully this latest conundrum is the latter.
Yet home buying is definitely a whole different kind of crazy.
Throughout this process we've had many, many little things go wrong or pop up unexpectedly. I won't bore you with details. We can't screw up now though.
We're so close. So very, very close.

Ohio

I really hate to just spout off "Ohio sucks", but damn. Of all the places I've been, Ohio is the state most difficult to like.

Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of decent people in and from Ohio. But Ohio is like a group of drunk girls singing karaoke. Separately they might not be that bad, but together it's a sloppy mash-up of awful.

90% chance they're singing Lady Marmalade.
100% guarantee no one wants to sleep with them ce soir.

It's not just one thing about Ohio that makes us cringe, but the variety of suckiness the causes people to reroute their GPS. For one thing...

3. Speed Limits

Say you're on a road trip. You're moving right along making good time, but then you cross the Ohio border.

Ugh, why?!

To be fair, the (privately owned) Ohio Turnpike in the northern portion of the state, does manage to make it up to the more standard 70mph, but everywhere else, well, please enjoy the scenery.

Breathtaking.

Police there don't mess around either. Other states may let you get away with going 5-10mph over.
But not Ohio.

I understand the cops are just doing their job and speed limits are a legislative thing. But 65mph on most major highways?! Really?!

Well, okay, okay. By itself, lower speeds aren't that big of a deal, but then there's...

2. Pollution with a capital "P"

"Pffft.... boring!" you might think, "There's pollution everywhere! What are you, some overly concerned vegan hippie who sells organic zucchini grown in a compost of liberal bullshit and parental tears?"

Na-uh! We grow oranges.
Huge ones.

But seriously, Ohio is a dirty, dirty state. And not in a fun, scandalous kind of way either.

Sorry, no.

In July 2011 a study came out backed by information gathered from the EPA that listed Ohio as having THE most toxic air pollution in the U.S.
Water pollution is also a major issue, as anyone living near the Ohio or Cuyahoga rivers could tell you. Especially the Cuyahoga, more popularly known as "the river that caught on fire".

Ohio in the 60's was a wild place.

The Cuyahoga has been cleaned up some, but it is still listed as one of the 43 Great Lakes Areas of Concern. Catchy title, eh?    

But wait, there's also...

1. Rabid Ohio State fans

Let me qualify this by stating that I couldn't care less about college football. Just doesn't do it for me.
Of course there's a lot of people that are really into it, which I get. There's something very satisfying about watching your team kick ass. That said, "THE" Ohio State fans seriously need to take a second, breathe, and calm the fuck down.

I'd hate to know what they did to get those beads.

If a person with no prior knowledge of Ohio sports were to travel through the state, they would have to assume that there is only one team, only one school, and only one sport.
Cleveland Browns, Indians, Cavaliers, the Cincinnati Bengals, Reds and the Columbus Blue Jackets can apparently all go suck it because Ohio State football is a jealous mistress and will suffer no rivals for her fan base.
Oh and they also like to rock out to this super original song:

Seriously guys? Grow up.

You too.

"But hold on a minute!" you may say. "Ohio is awesome! It's the Birthplace of Aviation, more astronauts have come from Ohio than any other state. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is in Cleveland and there's also Cedar Point, the motherf*ckin roller coaster capital of the world!"

Okay, true, the Wright brothers come from Ohio. But they owe their success to a Mr. Octave Chanute. Hailed as the "father of aviation" Chanute was an old man when he got into the flying business and not spry enough to attempt flights himself.

I'd prefer to sit here and look wise.

Yet he did design and help finance multiple aviation experiments, basically holding the Wright brother's hands as they built their own gliders, which were based on Chanute's designs.

And regarding the high number of astronauts from Ohio, I'm willing to bet they're just trying to get as far away from their polluted home state as possible. And have succeeded remarkably well.

Indeed.

 I honestly have no idea why the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is in Cleveland. If anyone does know, please enlighten me.
It's not like they have a super bustling music scene. Maybe it's the $65 million Cleveland fronted to have the Hall of Fame built there.

Just maybe...

Ah, Cedar Point. You got me there. The place is awesome.

Funnel cakes and going upside down at high speeds.
How is this not a good idea?!

But wait a moment, isn't Cedar Point...

                                                                            ...an island?

Huh, even the best part about Ohio appears to be desperately trying to break away.

Weird.

Rules for Life

Lazy day. I'm in list mode.

I must admit, I'm a sucker for clever expressions and simple rules. So, here are a few.
None of these are original, and I've heard all of them from more than one person at different times, but they're either funny or poignant. And if you're in the mood for either; enjoy.

Life Lessons
They're all relevant. Maybe.

Nothing brings people together like a shared hatred.

Before you get angry upon hearing the same question asked for the 50th time,
remember that it's the first time they've asked it.

 Don't have a honey where you make your money.

When in doubt, the fuller beer is yours.

The best thing you can do for someone is to let them know they are appreciated.

In a relationship, make sure you're treated nice and made to feel pretty. Everything else is negotiable.

 

 Vegetarians who don't drink coffee or alcohol are not to be trusted.

What are you worried about? Do you have any control over it? Then why worry?

To raise your average you've sometimes got to lower your standards.

 

It's all about the follow-through.

If you hesitate for more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you,
you do not deserve a drink.

It's a sign of intelligence to try new things.

Accept responsibility for your mistakes. Learn and move on.

There is no substitute for bacon.

The key to a great relationship is communication and appreciation. 

 

Guys, learn how to identify psycho chicks.
When ya'll keep dating them it just reinforces bad behavior.

You can't change a person, but you CAN make them secretive.

  

 On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

The things we do for a paycheck ... Part III

During my relatively short time here in the lovely state of Georgia, I've learned two very important things:

Tasers suck.

Longest five seconds of my life.

Yet O.C sucks harder.

Thirty minutes of face melt is not pretty.

Being immobilized as a human lightning rod for a few seconds is far better than feeling like my face is on fire for half an hour.

And speaking of fire....

Fun fact: O.C + Taser = Inferno

Anyone else suddenly crave marshmallows?

Lesson learned: Never f*cking EVER again.
Perspective gained: Campfires are going to be a lot easier to start now...

The things we do for a paycheck: Part II

Within the last two or three years, the number of recent parents among people I know, has exploded.

Exploded with babies...

...walking away in slo-mo.

Honestly, I was completely weirded out at first. I mean, kids are for the future, when we all magically transform into responsible adults.

What's that? I'm almost 26 and should probably get with the program? Before I become the creepy old woman at the bar?

Well, still beats being the creepy old man.
Am I right, ladies?

At any rate, there's lots of tiny drunks babies drooling around these days. And even though they smell funny and are occasionally evil, their capacity for being adorable and giving finger squeezes is unmatched. So yeah, I kind of dig kids.

As long as I can give them back.

Yes. Even you.

But since they're young and socially inept, there's also a tendency for little kids to dissolve into tiny, fleshy sacks of parental embarrassment whenever they're in a public place.

At least that's what I assume the mom of the little boy who peed all over the floor of the local Gymboree felt, as she rushed out of the store with her child tucked under her arm like a football.

Just marking my territory, mom.

It was sometime in 2003 and I was otherwise occupied doing what most minimum wage Gymboree retail workers do; folding tiny shirts while listening to creepy Gymbo the Clown's Mr. Knickerbocker song being pumped over the television's sound system.

Pennywise has nothing on Gymbo.

But the young mother's sudden movements jarred me back to the here and now, (Pffft... Teenagers. Completely worthless). She avoided eye contact while muttering something about "musta spilled some juice," dumped her pile of clothes on the counter, slung the kid up under her arm, and took off. Somewhere in all this she also managed to dig out her cell phone and appeared to be talking to someone on it. That or it was just a clever ruse to keep me from inquiring about her sudden departure.

All of this would have been fine, were it not for the suspicious wet spots on the boy's pants that could clearly be seen as he was carried away, legs dangling helplessly.

Busted.

Gymbo the Clown continued his on-screen child serial killer antics as I made my way back to the T.V area to find on the floor...

...not apple juice.

Of course I was peeved, and not just because the kid had clearly been overindulging on mashed asparagus, but because his mom tried to play it off.
It's a kid's store, god knows this wasn't the first accident those faux wood floors have handled. Just give us a heads up so we can utilize the hazmat suits.

Store policy

But then I remembered her swift reaction and strength in hoisting her kid up and neutralizing this potential embarrassment.

I did not want her neutralizing me.

She may have been a serial mom, or a ninja.

Lesson learned: It's hard to tell the difference between embarrassment and being disturbingly deliberate.
 
Perspective gained: It's just kid pee.

Gross.