Everything is going to go wrong all the time.

Well, on the upside - I'm not pregnant. Hooray for small victories!

"It's the little things that make the difference."

For those of you just tuning in, I'm in the process of buying a house.

^This one.^
Yes I'm aware it's a "fixer-upper".

It's been an interesting experience and we're not done yet. Times like this I wish I knew Spanish just so I could unleash a torrent of español curse words.

¡Usted bastardo impenitente!
¡Escoplearé con gubia hacia fuera su cogida de los ojos y del cráneo usted!
¡Cómo el atrevimiento usted me incomoda?!

Somehow Babel Fish isn't quite as satisfying...

Honestly, things could be much worse. I just made the mistake of being lulled into a false sense of security over the past few weeks. Everything was slowly rolling along, but now, with the closing date fast approaching, shit has just got very real.
Amazingly the house isn't the issue. It's getting the people, banks, realtors, lenders, and businesses all on the same page that has been the real challenge.

"By the way --"

I have come to hate that forerunner of bad news as much as R. Lee Ermey hates communism.

And this is a man whose Viagra is the American flag.

For example:

- "By the way, I see you have a home inspection report that has a section specifically detailing whether or not there's termite damage, but you're also going to need a separate pest report. What? You had a pest inspector out two weeks ago and everything looked okay? Yeah, still going to need that additional piece of paper. Guess I could have mentioned that a few weeks ago. Sorry."

- "By the way, there's going to be a $450 charge for the FHA appraiser to come through. Yes, it's due now."

- "Oh! By the way, your closing date got moved up to Monday instead of a week from now. You've got your insurance all ready, right?"

What? Oh, haha. Yeah, I guess I can get that done.
You need it tomorrow?
Ah, crap.

So, I'm new to this game - obviously. But if I had one wish it would be for all realtors/lenders to present first time buyers with a comprehensive checklist of everything they need to get together prior to closing and the time frame in which to do it. Otherwise you might find yourself in the pickle that I'm currently in.
Specifically that, in Georgia at least, no one does business on the weekends.

For simplicity's sake, lets just say that I had a closing date, but it got moved back, and then forward again. Quickly. Suffice it to say that as of Thursday night I thought I had a week until the big day. But on Friday evening - I find out closing is now on Monday. Guess who doesn't have home insurance lined up?

Yup.

Funny thing about lenders, they won't give you any money unless the item you plan on acquiring is insured. Weird, huh?
My procrastination wasn't completely at fault this time either. I had started calling around to various insurance companies earlier in the week. I was so proud of myself, being all adult like and really accomplishing things. Too bad none of those companies are open on the weekend so I can actually get some damn coverage.

Pictured: Also "coverage".

It's going to be interesting to see how this pans out. Especially since I was told that pushing the closing date back "wasn't an option".
Well, I've pulled off miracles before. Like that time in college when I gave a fifteen minute presentation while hungover and wearing day old makeup.

Completely blitzed.
There's not even anything on that presentation board!

Managed to get an 'A' despite the clumped mascara and jeans still reeking of cigarette smoke. In retrospect, it kind of makes me concerned for American's educational system...

Nah.
I'm probably just awesome.

But in that scenario I was the only one I had to rely on. Now I have to depend on various business people suddenly having an overwhelming urge to dive right into work on a Monday morning.

Yes, I know. Shut up.

Speaking of problems, there was also a little issue with the septic tank. As in, "what do you mean you can't find it?"

A septic tank is a massive container made of concrete and magical leprechaun gold that filters poo.

That's right. Leprechauns.
How else do you think waste gets filtered out to leave clean water?
Magic, obviously.

Anyway, since it's a hundred year old house I thought it prudent to get the septic tank inspected.

Which is how I wound up standing in the dark, wet, while a guy poked his rod all over trying to find the right spot.

.........

It was raining and what the hell else are you supposed to call the metal probe they use to find a buried septic tank!?
Geez.

Anyway, two hours later, this guy says he still can't find it and I'm out $150.

Ugh, it was like Miami all over again.

This story has a happy ending at least. A few days later another company came out.
This man found the tank, inspected it, and cleaned out over 30 years of nastiness in under an hour.

Ladies...

And I was able to get a refund from the first company without a problem. Yay!

Such is life though. Sometimes things work out fine, other times not so much. Hopefully this latest conundrum is the latter.
Yet home buying is definitely a whole different kind of crazy.
Throughout this process we've had many, many little things go wrong or pop up unexpectedly. I won't bore you with details. We can't screw up now though.
We're so close. So very, very close.