Don't F with my comfort... food.

Like most people, I love food.

Well, not love love. I'm not trying to have a pudding orgy.

No thank you.
Too messy.

But I think that when you rely on something for your very existence, something that excites all of your senses, you become more than just friends.

You may even go on wacky adventures and have something akin to a religious experience with food.

And speaking of sustenance, is there really any food better than comfort food?

You just drooled a little didn't you?
It's okay, go ahead and take a moment to clean your keyboard.

Okay, it's not the healthiest thing to do, but we can't all be Richard Simmons. So, when the weather is crappy or I'm having a less than stellar day, I like to fill up my face hole with delicious comfort food.

Mmm... tender.

But it pains me to discover, while ordering off ye olde menu, (What? Surely you don't expect me to cook during these strained times?), that some of the local hash slingers and manufacturers of all things unhealthy and butter-laden are tampering with perfection.

Can we all just agree that these comfort foods have reached the apex of culinary greatness? No more work need be done! Just recreate these blessed dishes and stand back while we stuff our faces full of starch and dead animal flesh.

Specifically, things like...

Meatloaf

One of the few foods to inspire a singing career, it's such a humble meal, but oh so satisfying in the simplicity of it's construction. You mold ground beef into the shape of a loaf and bake it like bread. It's a loaf of meat. Meatloaf. Impossible to screw up. Just top with ketchup and brown sugar for immediate satisfaction.

"Yeah, baby. Cover me with sugar and I'll be your paradise by the dashboard light.
Oh god... I'm so lonely."

There may be a few small differences, yet the basics remain the same. But dammit, if the local chefs aren't determined to put their own stamp on this homey dish.... with disastrous results.

It's a loaf of dead cow.
Do we really need more protein?

I recently want out to lunch with a co-worker. Meatloaf was on the menu. We ordered some, expecting a slice of moist meaty goodness, but what came out of the kitchen was instead a hunk of ground chuck covered with some weird spicy brown sauce. Nary a dollop of ketchup in sight.

Of course I ate all of it.... because I'm a pig and Jim Gaffigan is my spirit animal, but it was a less than satisfying experience that I felt could have been remedied had the cook simply NOT FUCKED WITH PERFECTION!

But meatloaf isn't the only victim...

Chicken Salad

Mmm.... eat me plain or between some buns.

Granted, chicken salad is one of those "let's throw a bunch of leftovers in with some mayo" type of meals, but I think there are a few items that can safely be banned from this poultry and mayo slathered love fest.

Allow me to relay this horror story: I once was given a chicken salad sandwich that was studded with jalapenos and streaked with mustard.

It was just.... no.

Why?! Why would you ruin something so innocent and pure?!
You monster!

We are no longer on speaking terms...



Mac 'n' Cheese

OH GOD YESSS!!
Cover me with cheese and bacon drippings and let me die happy!
Stomach full. Arteries fuller.

Besides maybe toast, this was probably the first "meal" we learned how to "cook". Courtesy of those sodium-coma-inducing Easy Macs.
The cheesy goodness of mac 'n' cheese is especially forgiving of intrepid chefs in the making.
Want to kick things up a notch by adding bacon? Sure.

Oink oink, bitches.

Care to give your body hope that you'll actually consume something healthy by throwing in some vegetables? No problem!

It almost looks like you tried.

You know what, nevermind. I just realized mac 'n' cheese is perfect. You can't hurt it.
It takes on all comers and wraps them in a warm cheesy embrace.

Shhh.... shhh you're safe now.
Surrender yourself to the cheese.

Yet as happy as all these foods make me, chips... with dip... are my crack.
And are also the one food most likely to be suffering from an identity crisis.

Chips.

Bet you can't have just one... dozen.

Food that tries to taste like other food bothers me. Because it never tastes like the food it's supposed to emulate. If I wanted chicken and waffles, dammit, I would have gotten chicken and waffles! Not this sad excuse of waffly chicken in chip form.

I believe the word you're looking for is "abomination".

But the chip companies seem to have taken it upon themselves to keeping pushing the envelope, and then tearing it open and lighting it on fire, as they continue to come up with weird ass flavors of chip from atop their thrones of cocaine and weed.

I mean, a cheeseburger chip? Really?

McDonalds is open 24/7.
We don't need you.

Goddammit Doritos, you've already climbed into bed with Taco Bell
and birthed the unholy deliciousness that is Doritos Locos Tacos.
You've gone mad with power!

Sure there's something to be said for taking risks and doing something different. I mean, the first person to try out cow's milk was probably thought to be a whack job at first, but now we have ice cream, so I guess that worked out...

Spectacularly well I might add.

But how many testing stages did this stuff have to go through before it was given the green light?
Who are these people? What were they on?

Words fail me.

I guess what I'm saying is, just please don't mess with our comfort food. And also... who's your dealer?