9.26.2011

7 Things to Consider Before Your Girl Moves In

So, you two have been dating for awhile. She stays the night at least four times a week, you love her, and man, it sure would be a lot cheaper to combine rent. So one night you guys are hanging out, watching NCIS or The Big Bang Theory, whatever the thing is now, and you blurt out:
"You know, we should just move in together."
"I really love your ass and would like to see more of...Wait, I mean you. I really love you!"
First of all, thank goodness for DVR and/or TiVo because you're going to want to pause now and discuss.

But assuming she says yes, and assuming her lease is expiring soon, here's a few things you're going to want to prepare for when it comes to living with your girl.

7. Snoring

If she's spending the night a lot anyway, you may think you're well acquainted with her nocturnal noises. Maybe she doesn't snore at all, or just occasionally lets out cute little wispy noises like a tea kettle. Perhaps her snoring is no more than an adorable kitten like sigh.

Exactly.
You can handle that. No problem! But I'll bet she hasn't stayed over when she's had a cold...

All that mucus, phlegm, and stuffed up nasal cavities combined makes a truly horrific grizzly-bear-sawing-logs soundtrack.
And the average cold lasts for about two weeks. Two weeks trying to maintain your sanity while functioning on only a few hours of sleep, all with the knowledge that you've still got to be the sympathetic boyfriend.
She's gone from soft tea kettle to drooling-on-the-pillow-with-mouth-opened-unattractively-wide snoring.
Because that's the only way she can breathe.
And remember, the only other sleeping option is that cheap futon left over from your college days with the wide bars that dig into your spine.Think you can handle that?
Not so kitten like anymore, eh?
And ladies, you've got to suck it up too. Even when you're damn sure he's just being a baby about having a case of the sniffles.


6. Accept the face mask.

We all have our bad days when we're not feeling so great, and not surprisingly, they tend to coincide with the days we're not looking too hot. Hopefully you're mature enough to be dating your girl for more than just her nice rack anyway...
Although it is nice.
And the portability makes it so damn convenient.
...but otherwise, prepare for the ratty ponytails, acne medicine, and face masks now so you're not caught off guard later. Also, you might want to look into rearranging your priorities...

All that gross stuff we do and apply is called "maintenance". It's so we're better prepared to put on our hot girl disguises when we go out in public with you. Also, it's impossible for anyone to constantly be up on their A-game. So if there's a day when sweatpants, granny bras, zits, and greasy hair happen, just ride it out and love her the same.
 She's still smokin', just maybe less so on some days than others...

And keep in mind that she's putting up with your dirty socks and reckless farting.


5. Unseemly habits

Most people have at least one disgusting habit/guilty pleasure. And unless she's really clever, all her vile practices will be exposed once you start living together. Maybe she doesn't make sure to wash that loogie down the drain after brushing her teeth. Or forgets to clean the mirror after exploding a nasty zit. Perhaps she's a serial scab picker.
I myself wait much longer than is acceptable to clean the wax out of my ears.
Mostly because I want to create an "au natural" menorah.
Don't question it.
But remember that time you dropped a massive turd and made her come see it just so you'd have a witness to testify to the brute strength and majesty of your glorious colon?

Yeah, shut up about my earwax.

4. There will be pillows.

Your girl has moved in. It's no longer "your" place it's "our" place. Meaning, all the useless crap she's collected has also moved in and become your useless crap. Maybe it's because I'm a girl, but there just seems to be this aggressive, blind, all-consuming hatred men have toward throw pillows.

I really fail to see an issue here.
Besides throw pillows being a desperate attempt to economically class up the place, girls also use them as a gut shield. You know when you sit and that little roll of fat bumps out? How many females do you know almost compulsively grab a pillow to hold over their stomach when they're snuggling in for some couch time?
I'm just not ready for you to see my C-section scar.
Accept that pillows are going to be a large part of your life now, but don't be afraid to communicate about setting pillow limits. If you have to make a fluffy Mt. Kilimanjaro on the floor in order to sit on the couch, that's an issue, but understand that there has to be at least enough for a gut shield and headrest.

Also, we're letting you keep this on the wall, so...

3. Girly products etc.

I understand this can make even the most stoic man a bit squeamish, so I'll have mercy and keep it brief.
Most girls keep around a few old unattractive pairs of underwear. Because no one wants to be caught wearing the cute polka dot panties they just purchased from Vickie's when Aunt Flo makes her visit. Accept it.
That said, there will be an ultra mega super absorbency box of tampons in the bathroom cabinet. You will go through toilet paper at an amazing rate. And if you have a dog, keep that bathroom door closed when your girl has her "lady times" no matter what.

I really, really cannot stress that enough. Please don't make me go into further detail.


Sure it's adorable now. But he's also hungry, and a pervert.

2. Unexpected blockage

So you've managed to put up with each other for a few months now. You're getting along fine, saving money, and everything is great. Except when you take showers these days it seems like the tub is taking an abnormally long time to drain. And you find yourself standing in ankle deep water after only having the shower on for, like, ten minutes. You're not sure what's happening, but you've got a sneaking suspicion that it's your girlfriend's fault.

Now go find your girl and give her a hug. Bury your nose in that beautiful, long, sleek hair.
Smells fantastic doesn't it?
It's also guilty of doing a number on your shower drain. Get a screwdriver and either a drain snake or, if it's late and the stores are closed, unbend a wire hanger and try not to throw up.

Any longer and it would have evolved into a sentient being.
Most girls are aware that they shed like crazy, especially when conditioning, and will do their best to keep their hair in a centralized location. Usually stuck to the shower wall until they're done, then they'll gather it up and throw it away.
But it's impossible to catch all the hair, and over time your drain will resemble the darkest dankest regions of the amazon jungle.

You could invest in a drain catcher to at least slow the process, but dealing with ratty hairballs still remains a harsh reality of living with women.

Sorry.

1. The relationship will change.

Ah, remember when you guys first started dating? Awesome wasn't it? Everything she did was so cute, she laughed at all your jokes, and you guys got down like rabbits. All. The. Time.
Moving in together just means a continuation of that, right?

Amazingly, no.
Crap. Guess we're going to have to work together
as adults toward a common goal now, or something.
She's going to annoy you. Your lack of couth won't be funny anymore, and neither of you are going to want to do the no-pants dance with the same fervor that you used to. You may start to panic, thinking that the relationship has cooled off and that you made a mistake. Finding yourself digging up the rental agreement to see how much longer you have to go without breaking the lease.
But unless you're truly an ass, she's a psycho bitch, you can't stand each other, or neither of you really give a shit about what the other has going on, then you guys are probably fine. You've just gotten comfortable. A good relationship doesn't have to always be passionate, butterflies in the stomach, gettin' freaky love.

Unless it's with Aaron Eckhart.
Swoon
Nicholas Sparks, Disney, Playboy, Cosmo, Hustler and the rest of the Rom Com industry are doing a great job portraying delightful fantasies. Unfortunately a lot of people find it difficult to differentiate between a fairytale and reality.
As much as I love The Princess Bride, in reality, looking like she does, Buttercup wouldn't have waited around on the farm so long.

Even if it was for the disarming rogue that is 1980's Cary Elwes.
What was I saying? Oh, right, your relationship changing. It will, but that's not a bad thing. Now's your chance to see how things progress before you're further committed. Just remember these three things:
Don't be afraid to get out if you're truly unhappy, accept them for who they are, and remember to appreciate each other.

Awesome.

9.21.2011

FHA: F'in Hit that Ass

Not hard, but seriously, it won't move and I've got places to be.

Also, I enjoy wacky acronyms.

Recently I've discovered that, besides being set adrift in the middle of the ocean, finding a home loan to fit your needs really drives home where your place is in the world.

Pictured: The majority's place in the world.
Also, those aren't rocks...
If you're like most Americans, you're one paycheck and a car breakdown away from financial ruin.
i.e "normal".
Take a minute to bask in the comforting warmth of monetary mediocrity...
Feels kind of like cheap beer and stale pee doesn't it?
No?
Ah, nevermind then..
By the way, ever notice how all beer is "premium"?
Anyway, after my recent mucking about in the realm of mortgage lending I've discovered two things:
I'm poor, and I've got a sexy, sexy credit score.

Also rhyming skills... Sweet.

As a member of the working poor, I've fallen into a certain profile type. The kind of profile that the Federal Housing Administration is all about.

Yeah, baby..
If you're not a server, stripper, or drug dealer on the side, your liquidity isn't exactly liquid. That is, the penny rolling begins in earnest on the second Wednesday after payday.

Only a few more and I can afford to do laundry
Fortunately for most of us though, as long as certain broad criteria is met, the government will help set you up with a home loan.

Now it's not charity, nor is it "free" money. An FHA mortgage is basically the government vouching for you, (the home buyer), to the bank.

Gov: "Listen, we told the bank that you're cool.
But fuck this up and we will fucking sodomize you, your credit rating and your way of life.
Capeche?"

As long as some basic standards are met, the government will go to the bank and be all like:
"Ai, dis guy is all right. Whydunya help im out a little? Remember we's bailed ya out not too long ago. Yousguys kinda owes us."

That's how I imagine it happens anyway..

Of course the bank says "okay" but they make a condition of their own. They're not going to be left holding the bag if this schmuck home buyer decides to welch on the deal. So the bank agrees to supply the loan, as long as the government guarantees the bank will get their money back if the home buyer can't or won't make the payment. The government puts his arm around you, the home buyer, and says: "Sure, no problem. The kid's alright. I'll insure the money for up to 80% of the down payment."

Then you develop a cocaine habit, can't pay, and the government sends out the crazy, early 90's Joe Pesci to collect what's owed...
And for the love of God, don't laugh or tell him he's funny.

My imagination is occasionally a screwed up place...

In a nutshell though, that's what a FHA loan is. It's a loan insured by the government, which, depending on your credit rating, allows you to get away with paying as little as 3% down.

And despite my many gangster references, an FHA loan is the squeakiest of the squeaky clean when it comes to lending practices. Remember those "points" and charges from earlier? The FHA makes sure to limit the number of fees a lender can charge for a home purchase.

I guess you could call it an "anti-bullshit measure"

It's not all sunshine and lemon drops though. There is a limit to the amount of money you can get with an FHA loan. They'll take into account the location, cost of living, etc. But to make sure the program serves low to moderate income people, let's just say you won't be getting any $350,000 home loans in Port Huron, Michigan.
No.
 And remember that extra bit of insurance that guarantees the loan at a lower rate? The home buyer pays it. Generally it'll be bundled in neatly with the rest of the loan as part of the P.I.T.I (Principle, Interest, Taxes, and Insurance) and it's possible that you'll still be paying private insurance anyway.
This makes perfect sense if you've been paying attention.
 But in the end, if you don't have a lot of ready money, but have decent credit, plan on living in the house for a long time and aren't looking to purchase a chateau, then a FHA home loan is one of the best options out there.

Don't just take whatever loan you're handed first though. Make sure to shop around. FHA has to go through lenders, and all loan programs aren't created equal. I've gotten estimates from three different lenders and the interest rate fluctuates from 4.5% to 3.875%, back up to 4.25% and all the way down to 3.75%.

And keep tabs on that APR!

Seriously though, why didn't we have a class about this stuff in high school? A little less Greek mythology, a little more percentages.
Greek mythology = Orgies, bestiality, some guy discovering how to make fire.
Got it.
 Because, lets be honest, one is a lot more helpful than the other.


9.15.2011

Representin': North vs. South

Fun fact: If you type "North vs. South" into Google Images you're going to be immediately greeted with one of two similar images.


I was really hoping that it would be a more gangsta adaptation on how the Civil War went down, but it turns out to be a mix CD featuring various rappers and hip hop artists from, you guessed it, the north and south United States. I'm sure some of you guys are way more "street" savvy than me about stuff like this. Especially considering I only recently discovered what "creepin" means and am still just waiting on the next Kelly Clarkson album to drop. (October 25th) Why? Because she's the last hardcore rockstar, that's why!
The eyeliner proves it!

Although, seriously, if you broke up with anyone between 2004 and now,
you know you've cranked up some "Since You Been Gone".
Anyway, I've recently found myself at a loss as to which side I should declare allegiance to when the rap battle apocalypse goes down in 2012.

Pictured: Twista doling out some apocalyptic enunciation.

So, despite being extremely white and lacking in street cred, I decided to devise a comparison list of pros and cons that has absolutely nothing to do with rap, to determine whether the "D" or the "Dirty South" will have my fealty.

Ridiculous Holidays

I work for the state, and contrary to popular belief, get paid just a little more than jack shit. In compensation for this, we get an insane amount of holidays off. Columbus Day? You better believe I'm throwing back some enslaving-indigenous-people margaritas!

Also, the Cortez gold really brings out the flavor of tequila...
So obviously, deciding which region has the most holidays off is of utmost importance.
For example, if you live in northern Michigan, November 15th has a special significance.
Traditionally the opening day of deer season, it's the day when men fill their coolers full of beer and their hearts with false hope for shooting that trophy buck. Their women hit the malls for "Deer Widow" shopping extravaganzas, and Bambi loses his parents.
Ah, America.
As neat as orphaning small deer and getting sick deals at outlet malls is, Opening Day isn't really a paid day off for most people. In northern Michigan, some schools and government offices may close, but it's certainly not state wide.

Meanwhile, the South delivers a one-two knockout when it comes to ridiculous holidays.
Confederate Memorial Day, (celebrated in April), and Robert E. Lee's Birthday (celebrated the Friday after Thanksgiving instead of his actual birthday on January 19th), are both state sanctioned days off in Georgia.
That's right, a rogue government that lasted all of four years gets treated as though it had a long and illustrious existence.
Then again, this is the same state that flew a variation of the Confederate flag until 2001...

Whistlin' Dixie...
However you'd like to look at it, it's easy to see that the South wins this round of "Creative Slacking".



Modern Conveniences

Coming from Michigan, there's a lot of things I took for granted, particularly concerning customer service. When I lived up North I didn't think anything of going to the corner store or dropping off a package at the post office during lunch. But after moving down to northwest Georgia in the winter of 2010, I experienced a hell of a culture shock.
This is the least of my issues.
There are two things that Georgians take; their time, and lunch breaks.

On a weekday, at two in the afternoon, I went to the post office to mail something. Too bad I didn't realize they were on lunch break. From 11:45 until 1:45.
Yup, a two hour lunch and those bastards were still late. Deciding to kill some time and buy a pop at a small corner store, I had to wait for the counter clerk to unlock the door because she had also just come back from lunch.
Because fuck you, that's why.
Oh, and you know those ten minute oil change places that are everywhere up north? Cherish them.
Tip the guy showing you your fluid levels an extra dollar or two in appreciation. Because if you move to the South, they cease to exist. Anywhere.
For some asinine reason that I will never understand, a simple oil change gets turned into a production down here in Georgia. It's not just an oil change, it's a car maintenance experience.
That's very nice, but I've got somewhere to be...
Dude, just change the oil and top off my windshield wiper fluid. I don't care about vacuuming out my cache of under-the-seat stale french fries or polishing the floor mats.
Seriously though, if anyone is in automotive and has the ambition to start up their own business. Come down to Georgia, preferably Savannah, and introduce the concept of the 10-minute oil change. Please?

Without a doubt, North slam dunk wins for efficiency.


Weather

You knew I'd have to touch on this. But not just in the longer summers vs. change in seasons kind of way, because that's boring. Nope, we're comparing Blizzards vs. Hurricanes.

Ha. I wish.
Winter in Michigan = Damp, soul-crushing cold, lake-effect snow, and occasionally a full on blizzard.
There's this feeling that occurs at least twice during any winter in Michigan. It's the, "I'll-never-be-warm-again", feeling that usually takes place mid-January or February. And then a relentless blizzard will hit, with vicious winds whipping off the lakes, while your car disappears underneath an extra three feet of snow.
Meanwhile all you can do is curse because you still can't find your left glove.
Although some news stations may make a big deal about bad snowstorms, (Snowpocalypse anyone?), most of us know better. It's just a fact of life, and apparently also a slow news day.

However, in the American South, from August through October, we're treated to a rad weather phenomenon known as "hurricane season".

How do you feel about that beach front property now?

Talk about a no-holds barred, straight up assault by mother nature. And she will have you screaming her name. Isabel, Katrina, Anita. All of them.


Shit just got real.
And yet, there is something so awesome about riding out a hurricane. Or any storm with a freaking name for that matter. Plus, the chances of getting a sweet t-shirt out of the deal are 100% more likely.



South gets this one. Hurricanes are just more badass.


Cooking

Some folks may strongly disagree, but the North is where it's at when it comes to sustenance.
I am beyond sick of hearing about the superiority of "down home southern cooking". Not saying it's not good, it is. But get over yourselves. A frito pie is only so special.


Mmm... smells like trailer.
Who am I kidding? That looks fantastic.
Let's take a look at some traditional southern foods. There's fried chicken, fried catfish, fried zucchini, chitlins, BBQ, and Mexican. 
Any idiot can fry a bird or zucchini, and I would much rather have some fresh water perch than a bottom feeding catfish. Also, I don't care how well it's cooked or seasoned, I refuse to eat anything feces has passed through, unless it's a hotdog. So you can forget about chitlins.
Someone's life would have to depend on it. Someone I like. A lot.
Mexican food is mexican food. Some combination of tortillas, cheese, beans, lettuce, tomatoes, and your choice of beef or chicken. Whoop-de-doo.
BBQ though, that's a different story. The slow cooked pulled pork that's down here is just fantastic. And there's little BBQ stands on every third street corner. It's awesome. But have you been to Slow's in Detroit?
Carnivorous delight.

When it comes to food, the north can do anything the south can do, and they're not limited to deep-frying or slathering butter all over everything. Polish? Italian? Seafood? They do that. Although with the advent of technology and superior transportation, regional cuisine is becoming a thing of the past. But for some reason, the south is still clinging to the idea that their stuff is special. Sorry, but Subway has a BBQ sandwich now and Pillsbury makes better butter biscuits than any of the heavy homemade stuff I've had down here.

Job Opportunities



Michigan unemployment rate: 10.9%
Georgia unemployment rate: 10.2%

And that's the bottom line.

It may not seem like much, but it's amazing the different .7% can make. In Michigan, Troy was working at a pawn shop, and I was hustling to serve drink orders. Although that was probably the most fun either of us have ever had at our jobs, you can't live on fun.

And sometimes people die trying...

I love Georgia, but Michigan will always be home.
I do miss apple orchards and hay rides in the fall, the change in seasons makes you appreciate summer that much more. And there's something to be said about swimming in the lake verses the ocean, where the only thing I have to worry about is running into a bed of seaweed. But Georgia has afforded opportunities that just aren't available back home, and sometimes you've got to grab on and run with that.
We certainly aren't the only ones either, a totally unofficial facebook survey shows that very few people I graduated school with are still living back home. I'm happy for those that are, that they were able to make it work. For the rest of us, guess we'll still use our hands as maps, and stock up on Vernor's when we're back in town...

9.12.2011

Street Fighter Special Edition "Buffet"

You know the feeling.
An entire day spent being hopelessly productive. You either forgot or didn't have time to eat. Now you're starving and in no mood to either cook or clean up after cooking. A restaurant takes too long, and fast food won't cut it.
What's that you say? A buffet? You mean an all-encompassing eat till you die buffet with over 250 items available?
Fuck yes!

Yes, yes. A thousand times yes!


First, a little back story.
This buffet that we patronized scored a 46% with the local health department on 7/25/2011. (Bear in mind anything under 70% is labeled "unsatisfactory" and will get you fined.) They were then given a few days to clean up their act, but again scored a disappointing 51% on 8/3/2011. At this point the health department got for real real, not for play play, and shut the place down. A few days later the buffet reopened with a shiny new score of 96%.
A short time after that I was hungry as hell, and as fate would have it, received two glorious Hibachi Grill and Supreme Buffet coupons, cleverly disguised as junk mail.

Go ahead, print it out. If you dare.

The previous low scores were no match for the new, nearly perfect, numbers (who cares if bribery was involved?) and the lure of a rotating 250 item buffet.
And now you provide coupons!?



Challenge Accepted.



Hibachi Grill Supreme Buffet vs. Carson
                                           Special moves:                          Special moves:
                                                Salmonella &                             Cast Iron Digestion Defense
                                                E. Coli Sneak Attack                 
                                           Weakness:                                  Weakness:
                                                Health Department                    Crawfish


Round 1

Fight!

I entered the ring of cheap sushi and cheaper chicken, nearly crazed by the ridiculous selection that abounded.
Ignoring my mother's advice to "stock up on meat, because that's what costs the most", I loaded up on some delectable looking noodles covered with cheese and CPR instructions.


This, but with an extra pound of cheese and cholesterol.

Back at the table, digging into the magnificent pile of barely palatable food I noticed something rolling around in my mouth that just didn't seem right. (Hold the perverted jokes until the end)
Egads! It appeared to be a bit of paper. Gross! Was it a straw wrapper? Discarded fortune from a fortune cookie? Part of that paper stuff that soaks up the juice from raw chicken?

Ew.

Lesser folk may have allowed their delicate sensibilities to get in the way, making a break for the exit.
Indeed, I myself may have called it quits under different circumstances.

But it was not this day!

Yeah. Just like this.
Putting the piece of papery whatever-it-was to the side, the remainder of the noodles was quickly decimated in true Jim Gaffigan fashion.

Because I'll be damned if I don't get my $6 out of this! Rawr!


Carson win!


Round 2

Fight!

Back up with a new plate. The edge had been taken off my hunger, yet there was still at least 176 items that I'd yet to try.
Behold! A delightful looking dish called "Treasure Shrimp".
Well, I like shrimp, and treasure is always nifty. How could this be anything other than delightful?

"Please don't eat us kind miss! We'll lead you to treasures under the sea!"
"Hush! A little less pleading and a little more cover yourself in soy sauce"

No joke, the aftertaste from those things are what nightmares are made of.

That's how they burrow into your brain...

And the only other item on my plate was a glob of tapioca pudding.

There's really nothing good about this stuff is there?
Don't question my pairing choices!

And for the record, that slop could have easily doubled as wallpaper paste.

I couldn't pull it off.

Damn you Hibachi, you win this round..

性交しなさい!

Round 3

Fight!

After glutting out on all things sodium, protein, and sweet and sour, it was time to satisfy the sweet tooth.

So... glorious...

Adorable bowls filled with pudding, tiny sweet cakes and petite slices of pie graced the table. Everything looked fantastic. Unfortunately that's about the extent of it. Whether due to a lack of sugar or excess of chalk, the tiny cake and pie tasted more like the White Cliffs of Dover than delightful confections.
 I kept on though, mostly because the pieces were so small I didn't realize how lousy they were until the last bite.

Not pictured: Restraint


But the mint pudding was a special sort of crazy in and of itself.

The secret ingredient is Listerine.

Tasting like a combination of mouthwash and creme de menthe, I finished it more out of a sick curiosity to see if the stuff would get me buzzed, than because it was good.

Because, and I cannot stress this enough... it wasn't.

Ate it, but hated it

Draw

Sudden Death Round


Okay, honestly, there are no winners upon leaving Hibachi Grill Buffet. Sure I got more than $6 out of the experience, but I also left filled with 250 varieties of shame and some vicious burps.
But then, the fortune cookie pretty rockin...
Fortunately it was mostly Japanese