5 reasons why I'm kind of a terrible person. (but don't regret it) So... 6 reasons?

Hopefully I'm not the first person that springs to mind when terrible people are discussed. Hitler, Vlad the Impaler, and Gary Thuerk should rank at least ten above.

And Shredder. He's definitely worse.

After all, I recycle, walk my dog, and am generally courteous. If only because I fear society's backlash. But I'm also a horrible, conniving human being who refuses to change. Mostly because these awful habits serve my needs so well. Habits like...

5. Pushing buttons

But not in the way you think, although Troy may disagree.
There is a very primitive, compulsive beast inside me that I cannot tame.

I am compelled to push in the plastic buttons on soft drink lids. All the soft drink lids. Actively depriving others of the same joy.

I don't care who I hurt. I just want to push the buttons!

There is just such satisfaction in pushing them down, it's almost as good as bubble wrap.

Loves it... *sigh*

Yes! Want!

But God help those who try to thwart me. I may crack a smile and feebly laugh it off, but inside I'm cursing you and everything you stand for. How dare anyone come between me and my buttons?!
I WILL HAVE THE BLOOD OF YOUR FIRST BORN!!

Okay, maybe a titch dramatic. But seriously, pushing those things in is the best. And although there is no good reason for it, I have a little bit of irrational hatred reserved for anyone who has denied me plastic buttons...

4. Smug without cause

There's something so satisfying about occasionally having a smug sense of superiority. Don't pretend like you haven't ever done it. Hipsters may have taken it to a whole new annoying level, but even regular folk will fall prey to the self-esteem boosting high that comes from making statements about how the book was so much better than the movie.

Oh look! They sell "obvious douche" in size XXL now.

And other comments like: "Oh, you're into Foster the People now? Yeah, I've been listening to them for a couple of years and their other songs are way better than 'Pumped Up Kicks', just sayin..."

I'm more into "Hammer No More the Fingers" now.
You've probably never heard of them.

Or: "What is that? A first generation iPhone? Huh, I just upgraded to an iPhone 7 x's Infinity. Yeah, I'm an alpha tester, I use my old iPhones as paperweights."

Okay, these examples are obviously way over the top. Good. Maybe they'll make my flaws less terrible by comparison...

It's purely luck that things worked out this way, but every day without fail, as I'm traveling briskly along on my commute to and from work, traffic is just obscenely backed up going the opposite way. 

See the completely empty far lanes? That's me. Every day.
I rock.

 It's just congestion as the result of a bottleneck, but twice a day I am filled with the most ill-founded smug sense of superiority. As though I am somehow a better person who makes more intelligent life decisions than those other poor saps, inching along on their daily commute.

I have no idea why this is. It's not as though I feel like less of a person when I'm stuck in traffic.
Although I admit it's terrible behavior,  I've no desire to correct it as it makes me feel vaguely good about myself after a day of dealing with punks and the chronically unfortunate. So yes, if you ever see me traveling by you while you're stuck in traffic, rest assured I have no sympathy for your plight and am probably silently congratulating myself for not going in the "loser" direction.

Ha-ha! I'm getting home first!
Eat it suckers!

3. Brownie thievery.

A good brownie is hard to beat. And they're all good.

The corner brownie piece is the best. There is no denying this. If at some point in your life you've been brainwashed into thinking that center pieces are more delicious ...good. Call me and we'll set up a brownie exchange. Unfortunately everyone in my immediate family and current residence refuses to succumb to center brownie propaganda.

This has resulted in multiple corner brownie thefts over the years.

Who eats brownies with a fork anyway?

I don't care if there are four people to a square pan of brownies, effectively making it so each person may have one corner piece. You better grab your corner fast, because I will steal it.
I might not even want a brownie right then. Doesn't matter. Corner pieces will still get carved and hacked out, perhaps hidden somewhere for future consumption.
And yes, I have heard of the "Brownie Edge Pan".

Seems like cheating..

I've even considered getting it, but thievery somehow makes the corner brownies taste better.      

Mmm... sweet victory!

2. Pride and greed

I want to donate my eggs.

Specifically because I like the idea of my genes getting passed on without me actually having to do any of the work involved with raising a child. Because, you know, screw that.

Oh, and money.

Woooo!

I'm not just being silly either. You're reading the blog of a female that has already been screened, assessed and approved by the Fertility Network Agency.
Now I'm just a phone call away from getting injected full of hormones and harvested, to the tune of a few grand.

I also kind of fantasize that a fabulous gay couple with money to burn will get my eggs. Their child will be sophisticated and have an assortment of scarves, and that will be just peachy.

What? No scarves?

1. Those that smelt it...



This one is truly terrible. But I laugh so hard when reminiscing about the times I've done this that it's hard to have regrets.

For most of my life, I have successfully blamed my farts on other people.

Or animals. Really whatever's convenient.

Example: I used to wait tables at a fairly upscale establishment with another server who had a bad habit of poaching tables. Let's call him Cotton-Eye Joe.

Ugh.

 After he had successfully stolen a four top than was rightfully mine, I nonchalantly tidied up a nearby table and walked away just as Cotton-Eye Joe returned with waters.

The expressions of horror, revulsion, and confusion on the faces of the guests were better than any tip.
I watched with malicious glee while the patrons glared accusingly at poor Cotton-Eye Joe, who manfully attempted to ignore the smelt I had dealt, and rattled off the evening's specials.

Gratuities suffered greatly that night...

My poor sister was also wrongfully accused of my aromatic acoustics. For over five years.
I never would have gotten away with it for so long had it not been for her uncontrollable spasms of laughter. Why did she laugh when the gas was passed? Well, probably because it's kind of funny. Just like nut shots and cuddle time with John Stamos.

Anyway, it's hard to proclaim your innocence when you're choking on broccoli and cheesy potatoes from laughing so hard. And whenever she finally settled down enough to protest, another backdoor breeze would be loosed, forcing her into continued hysterical laughter. It was a foul cycle.

But high in fiber.

A typical night at the Carson household:

squeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaakkkk...... *braaapp!*

"Sarah! How could you?! And at the dinner table!" I'd exclaim in feigned indignation.

My parents would also view her in disgust. The gross, flawed second child, who could not stop laughing as she expelled her awful fumes...that were really mine.

It wasn't until my second, or possibly third, year of college that I confessed to my crimes against my sibling.

Yup...

 - Hugs and kisses Sarah!!!
           XOXOXOXO!!

Cake = Awesome (especially this one)

Who likes cake? You like cake? Of course you do. It's cake. Frosting and sugar and those delightful little rainbow sprinkles. I could go on all day, but to save time, here's a man who is all about cake.
Go ahead, click. You won't regret it.

Cake is so universally liked, a group of musicians came together in the 90's and were like:
"Let's call ourselves Cake. We won't even sing. Our tone will be deadpan and occasionally sarcastic, but people will still dig us because we're fuckin' CAKE! And also there's gonna be a trumpet..."

Sure in their actual explanation they say they're referring to something caked to the bottom of their shoe. But that's just silly. Besides, it's probably cake stuck there. That stuff can be sticky when smooshed down...

But back to the matter at hand: Cake. The pastry, not the band.
Because it's someone's special day...

(HAPPY BIRTHDAY TROY SCHNEIDER!)

...so naturally cake is going to be involved.

Yellow with chocolate frosting was the special request. And being a recent graduate of "Wiltons Decorating Basics" class, clearly I was prepared to take on anything.

Yeah. I got this.

Haha! Not so much.
By the way, did you know the effects of 'shrooms can last up to eight hours?**

Weeeee!
**(No, State of Georgia, I have never done drugs.
This blog is supposed to be entertaining, so cut me some slack.
Please?)

Anyway, about eight hours later, after I stopped tasting colors and drifted back down to terra firma, it occurred to me that my cake skills were on par with that of a twelve years old. A gifted twelve year old that is.

And so, without further ado:

How to make a cake as painlessly as possible

Get yourself some cake mix of your choice. Because homemade is just too damn time consuming. And besides, when frosting is involved, cake is playing second fiddle anyway.
In fact, if they want chocolate frosting, go ahead and buy that too. Saves time.

Get two cans of frosting. That's important.

You're also going to need this stuff:

Bake the cake according to package directions. Using the eggs, vegetable oil and some water. Duh.
Make sure you grease the ever loving shit out of the pans too before you put your batter in. I like to scoop a big glob of Crisco up with a napkin and just smear it all over the inside of the pan.
Note: You don't have to use the butter flavor Crisco. I just like the taste and it makes a pretty ivory color.

Once your cakes are done, let them sit for a few minutes in the pan and then flip them over onto a wire rack to cool. If you greased the pans up well they should come out no problem.

At this point I usually call it quits for the day and just let the cake sit over night. You can start frosting after a few hours once it's cool, but I'm lazy. So the cake just gets wrapped up and stuck in the fridge for the night.

Fast forward next day: Get your cakes back out. We're going to level these bitches.
Note: There's a lot of crap out there marketed toward cake decorating. Most of it's useful, but some stuff is just unnecessary. Especially for small projects like this. That said, don't waste your money on a cake leveler. Just use a bread knife.

Mini-hacksaws not necessary

Okay, so make sure your cakes are right side up. You should see a little ridge on the top. Use that as your guide when leveling off the excess.

Once you've leveled both cakes, take your chocolate frosting and stir it up in the can. This will keep it from wrecking havoc on your cake. Trust me.
Then scoop a huge glob of it out with your spatula, (literally huge), and plop it in the middle of whatever cake will serve for the bottom portion.

^These spatulas are frickin awesome. Like a ninja.^
Get one. Preferably 9in.

Use your ninja spatula to spread out the frosting on the top. Then take your other cake, flipping it over so the bottom is now the top, and put it on top of the cake you just frosted. Congratulations, you just made a layer cake!
Now, open up that second can of frosting and take another diabetic crippling glob out. Even bigger than the last one. (See? I told you you'd need two cans.) Plop it down in the middle of your top layer and spread it out.

This, but twice as much.

A lot of cake people may refer to this as "crumb coating", which basically means "use way more frosting than you need at first to keep those bastard crumbs from getting all up in your icing".

Get the top smoothed out first and then work on the sides.

Cake looking good? Great. Stick it in the fridge while you get your decorating stuff ready.

I wanted to do a simple design on my cake (because I'm not that good) and some basic lettering. 

So I printed the picture I wanted:

Make sure it's the right size for your cake.

I put some wax paper over the picture and secured it using tape. (Some people say you should use parchment paper, but unless you're a professional, don't bother.)
Then I filled one of my piping bags with some of the piping gel and using the No. 5 tip, simply traced the picture. To do lettering the concept is the same, (although I free-handed mine because I ran out of patience), except you need to remember that when you flip the wax paper onto the cake it's going to make a mirror image.
What I would do is print out your message in the font you want, trace over the lettering with a sharpie marker so it'll bleed through, then flip the "Happy Birthday" or whatever, over and arrange it under the wax paper. Tracing the backwards lettering with the piping gel.
Flip your gel-licious design onto your cake. Gently press down where there's gel piping and slowly remove.

I just used buttercream frosting for embellishment here, and stuck with white for a sharp contrast. Here's how to make it. By the way, you don't have to use milk, water works fine and won't spoil.

Fill your second piping bag with the buttercream and using the No. 5 tip, trace the gel with the frosting. You can switch to the No. 18 tip to fill in a design by making little stars. I used the same tip to make rosettes and a half ass shell border.

And here's the result:

Yeah, it's not perfect, but it's amusing. And that's what really matters.

Happy 29th old man!

7 Things to Consider Before Your Girl Moves In

So, you two have been dating for awhile. She stays the night at least four times a week, you love her, and man, it sure would be a lot cheaper to combine rent. So one night you guys are hanging out, watching NCIS or The Big Bang Theory, whatever the thing is now, and you blurt out:
"You know, we should just move in together."

"I really love your ass and would like to see more of...Wait, I mean you. I really love you!"

First of all, thank goodness for DVR and/or TiVo because you're going to want to pause now and discuss.

But assuming she says yes, and assuming her lease is expiring soon, here's a few things you're going to want to prepare for when it comes to living with your girl.

7. Snoring

If she's spending the night a lot anyway, you may think you're well acquainted with her nocturnal noises. Maybe she doesn't snore at all, or just occasionally lets out cute little wispy noises like a tea kettle. Perhaps her snoring is no more than an adorable kitten like sigh.

Exactly.

You can handle that. No problem! But I'll bet she hasn't stayed over when she's had a cold...

All that mucus, phlegm, and stuffed up nasal cavities combined makes a truly horrific grizzly-bear-sawing-logs soundtrack.
And the average cold lasts for about two weeks. Two weeks trying to maintain your sanity while functioning on only a few hours of sleep, all with the knowledge that you've still got to be the sympathetic boyfriend.
She's gone from soft tea kettle to drooling-on-the-pillow-with-mouth-opened-unattractively-wide snoring.
Because that's the only way she can breathe. And remember, the only other sleeping option is that cheap futon left over from your college days with the wide bars that dig into your spine.Think you can handle that?

Not so kitten like anymore, eh?

And ladies, you've got to suck it up too. Even when you're damn sure he's just being a baby about having a case of the sniffles.


6. Accept the face mask.

We all have our bad days when we're not feeling so great, and not surprisingly, they tend to coincide with the days we're not looking too hot. Hopefully you're mature enough to be dating your girl for more than just her nice rack anyway...

Although it is nice.
And the portability makes it so damn convenient.

...but otherwise, prepare for the ratty ponytails, acne medicine, and face masks now so you're not caught off guard later. Also, you might want to look into rearranging your priorities...

All that gross stuff we do and apply is called "maintenance". It's so we're better prepared to put on our hot girl disguises when we go out in public with you. Also, it's impossible for anyone to constantly be up on their A-game. So if there's a day when sweatpants, granny bras, zits, and greasy hair happen, just ride it out and love her the same.

 

 She's still smokin', just maybe less so on some days than others...

And keep in mind that she's putting up with your dirty socks and reckless farting.


5. Unseemly habits

Most people have at least one disgusting habit/guilty pleasure. And unless she's really clever, all her vile practices will be exposed once you start living together. Maybe she doesn't make sure to wash that loogie down the drain after brushing her teeth. Or forgets to clean the mirror after exploding a nasty zit. Perhaps she's a serial scab picker.
I myself wait much longer than is acceptable to clean the wax out of my ears.

Mostly because I want to create an "au natural" menorah.
Don't question it.

But remember that time you dropped a massive turd and made her come see it just so you'd have a witness to testify to the brute strength and majesty of your glorious colon?

Yeah, shut up about my earwax.

4. There will be pillows.

Your girl has moved in. It's no longer "your" place it's "our" place. Meaning, all the useless crap she's collected has also moved in and become your useless crap. Maybe it's because I'm a girl, but there just seems to be this aggressive, blind, all-consuming hatred men have toward throw pillows.

I really fail to see an issue here.

Besides throw pillows being a desperate attempt to economically class up the place, girls also use them as a gut shield. You know when you sit and that little roll of fat bumps out? How many females do you know almost compulsively grab a pillow to hold over their stomach when they're snuggling in for some couch time?

I'm just not ready for you to see my C-section scar.

Accept that pillows are going to be a large part of your life now, but don't be afraid to communicate about setting pillow limits. If you have to make a fluffy Mt. Kilimanjaro on the floor in order to sit on the couch, that's an issue, but understand that there has to be at least enough for a gut shield and headrest.

Also, we're letting you keep this on the wall, so...

3. Girly products etc.

I understand this can make even the most stoic man a bit squeamish, so I'll have mercy and keep it brief.
Most girls keep around a few old unattractive pairs of underwear. Because no one wants to be caught wearing the cute polka dot panties they just purchased from Vickie's when Aunt Flo makes her visit. Accept it.
That said, there will be an ultra mega super absorbency box of tampons in the bathroom cabinet. You will go through toilet paper at an amazing rate. And if you have a dog, keep that bathroom door closed when your girl has her "lady times" no matter what.

I really, really cannot stress that enough. Please don't make me go into further detail.

Sure it's adorable now. But he's also hungry, and a pervert.

2. Unexpected blockage

So you've managed to put up with each other for a few months now. You're getting along fine, saving money, and everything is great. Except when you take showers these days it seems like the tub is taking an abnormally long time to drain. And you find yourself standing in ankle deep water after only having the shower on for, like, ten minutes. You're not sure what's happening, but you've got a sneaking suspicion that it's your girlfriend's fault.

Now go find your girl and give her a hug. Bury your nose in that beautiful, long, sleek hair.
Smells fantastic doesn't it?
It's also guilty of doing a number on your shower drain. Get a screwdriver and either a drain snake or, if it's late and the stores are closed, unbend a wire hanger and try not to throw up.

Any longer and it would have evolved into a sentient being.

Most girls are aware that they shed like crazy, especially when conditioning, and will do their best to keep their hair in a centralized location. Usually stuck to the shower wall until they're done, then they'll gather it up and throw it away.
But it's impossible to catch all the hair, and over time your drain will resemble the darkest dankest regions of the amazon jungle.

You could invest in a drain catcher to at least slow the process, but dealing with ratty hairballs still remains a harsh reality of living with women.

Sorry.

1. The relationship will change.

Ah, remember when you guys first started dating? Awesome wasn't it? Everything she did was so cute, she laughed at all your jokes, and you guys got down like rabbits. All. The. Time.
Moving in together just means a continuation of that, right?

Amazingly, no.

Crap. Guess we're going to have to work together
as adults toward a common goal now, or something.

She's going to annoy you. Your lack of couth won't be funny anymore, and neither of you are going to want to do the no-pants dance with the same fervor that you used to. You may start to panic, thinking that the relationship has cooled off and that you made a mistake. Finding yourself digging up the rental agreement to see how much longer you have to go without breaking the lease.
But unless you're truly an ass, she's a psycho bitch, you can't stand each other, or neither of you really give a shit about what the other has going on, then you guys are probably fine. You've just gotten comfortable. A good relationship doesn't have to always be passionate, butterflies in the stomach, gettin' freaky love.

Unless it's with Aaron Eckhart.
Swoon

Nicholas Sparks, Disney, Playboy, Cosmo, Hustler and the rest of the Rom Com industry are doing a great job portraying delightful fantasies. Unfortunately a lot of people find it difficult to differentiate between a fairytale and reality.
As much as I love The Princess Bride, in reality, looking like she does, Buttercup wouldn't have waited around on the farm so long.

Even if it was for the disarming rogue that is 1980's Cary Elwes.

What was I saying? Oh, right, your relationship changing. It will, but that's not a bad thing. Now's your chance to see how things progress before you're further committed. Just remember these three things:
Don't be afraid to get out if you're truly unhappy, accept them for who they are, and remember to appreciate each other.

Awesome.