7 Things to Consider Before Your Girl Moves In

So, you two have been dating for awhile. She stays the night at least four times a week, you love her, and man, it sure would be a lot cheaper to combine rent. So one night you guys are hanging out, watching NCIS or The Big Bang Theory, whatever the thing is now, and you blurt out:
"You know, we should just move in together."
"I really love your ass and would like to see more of...Wait, I mean you. I really love you!"
First of all, thank goodness for DVR and/or TiVo because you're going to want to pause now and discuss.

But assuming she says yes, and assuming her lease is expiring soon, here's a few things you're going to want to prepare for when it comes to living with your girl.

7. Snoring

If she's spending the night a lot anyway, you may think you're well acquainted with her nocturnal noises. Maybe she doesn't snore at all, or just occasionally lets out cute little wispy noises like a tea kettle. Perhaps her snoring is no more than an adorable kitten like sigh.

You can handle that. No problem! But I'll bet she hasn't stayed over when she's had a cold...

All that mucus, phlegm, and stuffed up nasal cavities combined makes a truly horrific grizzly-bear-sawing-logs soundtrack.
And the average cold lasts for about two weeks. Two weeks trying to maintain your sanity while functioning on only a few hours of sleep, all with the knowledge that you've still got to be the sympathetic boyfriend.
She's gone from soft tea kettle to drooling-on-the-pillow-with-mouth-opened-unattractively-wide snoring.
Because that's the only way she can breathe.
And remember, the only other sleeping option is that cheap futon left over from your college days with the wide bars that dig into your spine.Think you can handle that?
Not so kitten like anymore, eh?
And ladies, you've got to suck it up too. Even when you're damn sure he's just being a baby about having a case of the sniffles.

6. Accept the face mask.

We all have our bad days when we're not feeling so great, and not surprisingly, they tend to coincide with the days we're not looking too hot. Hopefully you're mature enough to be dating your girl for more than just her nice rack anyway...
Although it is nice.
And the portability makes it so damn convenient.
...but otherwise, prepare for the ratty ponytails, acne medicine, and face masks now so you're not caught off guard later. Also, you might want to look into rearranging your priorities...

All that gross stuff we do and apply is called "maintenance". It's so we're better prepared to put on our hot girl disguises when we go out in public with you. Also, it's impossible for anyone to constantly be up on their A-game. So if there's a day when sweatpants, granny bras, zits, and greasy hair happen, just ride it out and love her the same.
 She's still smokin', just maybe less so on some days than others...

And keep in mind that she's putting up with your dirty socks and reckless farting.

5. Unseemly habits

Most people have at least one disgusting habit/guilty pleasure. And unless she's really clever, all her vile practices will be exposed once you start living together. Maybe she doesn't make sure to wash that loogie down the drain after brushing her teeth. Or forgets to clean the mirror after exploding a nasty zit. Perhaps she's a serial scab picker.
I myself wait much longer than is acceptable to clean the wax out of my ears.
Mostly because I want to create an "au natural" menorah.
Don't question it.
But remember that time you dropped a massive turd and made her come see it just so you'd have a witness to testify to the brute strength and majesty of your glorious colon?

Yeah, shut up about my earwax.

4. There will be pillows.

Your girl has moved in. It's no longer "your" place it's "our" place. Meaning, all the useless crap she's collected has also moved in and become your useless crap. Maybe it's because I'm a girl, but there just seems to be this aggressive, blind, all-consuming hatred men have toward throw pillows.

I really fail to see an issue here.
Besides throw pillows being a desperate attempt to economically class up the place, girls also use them as a gut shield. You know when you sit and that little roll of fat bumps out? How many females do you know almost compulsively grab a pillow to hold over their stomach when they're snuggling in for some couch time?
I'm just not ready for you to see my C-section scar.
Accept that pillows are going to be a large part of your life now, but don't be afraid to communicate about setting pillow limits. If you have to make a fluffy Mt. Kilimanjaro on the floor in order to sit on the couch, that's an issue, but understand that there has to be at least enough for a gut shield and headrest.

Also, we're letting you keep this on the wall, so...

3. Girly products etc.

I understand this can make even the most stoic man a bit squeamish, so I'll have mercy and keep it brief.
Most girls keep around a few old unattractive pairs of underwear. Because no one wants to be caught wearing the cute polka dot panties they just purchased from Vickie's when Aunt Flo makes her visit. Accept it.
That said, there will be an ultra mega super absorbency box of tampons in the bathroom cabinet. You will go through toilet paper at an amazing rate. And if you have a dog, keep that bathroom door closed when your girl has her "lady times" no matter what.

I really, really cannot stress that enough. Please don't make me go into further detail.

Sure it's adorable now. But he's also hungry, and a pervert.

2. Unexpected blockage

So you've managed to put up with each other for a few months now. You're getting along fine, saving money, and everything is great. Except when you take showers these days it seems like the tub is taking an abnormally long time to drain. And you find yourself standing in ankle deep water after only having the shower on for, like, ten minutes. You're not sure what's happening, but you've got a sneaking suspicion that it's your girlfriend's fault.

Now go find your girl and give her a hug. Bury your nose in that beautiful, long, sleek hair.
Smells fantastic doesn't it?
It's also guilty of doing a number on your shower drain. Get a screwdriver and either a drain snake or, if it's late and the stores are closed, unbend a wire hanger and try not to throw up.

Any longer and it would have evolved into a sentient being.
Most girls are aware that they shed like crazy, especially when conditioning, and will do their best to keep their hair in a centralized location. Usually stuck to the shower wall until they're done, then they'll gather it up and throw it away.
But it's impossible to catch all the hair, and over time your drain will resemble the darkest dankest regions of the amazon jungle.

You could invest in a drain catcher to at least slow the process, but dealing with ratty hairballs still remains a harsh reality of living with women.


1. The relationship will change.

Ah, remember when you guys first started dating? Awesome wasn't it? Everything she did was so cute, she laughed at all your jokes, and you guys got down like rabbits. All. The. Time.
Moving in together just means a continuation of that, right?

Amazingly, no.
Crap. Guess we're going to have to work together
as adults toward a common goal now, or something.
She's going to annoy you. Your lack of couth won't be funny anymore, and neither of you are going to want to do the no-pants dance with the same fervor that you used to. You may start to panic, thinking that the relationship has cooled off and that you made a mistake. Finding yourself digging up the rental agreement to see how much longer you have to go without breaking the lease.
But unless you're truly an ass, she's a psycho bitch, you can't stand each other, or neither of you really give a shit about what the other has going on, then you guys are probably fine. You've just gotten comfortable. A good relationship doesn't have to always be passionate, butterflies in the stomach, gettin' freaky love.

Unless it's with Aaron Eckhart.
Nicholas Sparks, Disney, Playboy, Cosmo, Hustler and the rest of the Rom Com industry are doing a great job portraying delightful fantasies. Unfortunately a lot of people find it difficult to differentiate between a fairytale and reality.
As much as I love The Princess Bride, in reality, looking like she does, Buttercup wouldn't have waited around on the farm so long.

Even if it was for the disarming rogue that is 1980's Cary Elwes.
What was I saying? Oh, right, your relationship changing. It will, but that's not a bad thing. Now's your chance to see how things progress before you're further committed. Just remember these three things:
Don't be afraid to get out if you're truly unhappy, accept them for who they are, and remember to appreciate each other.


1 comment:

  1. That’s a lot of considerations to take in. But if you really love her, I’m sure you’ll put up with it. Especially with number two – the unexpected blockage. Hair strands blocking the drainage is a common sight in women’s bathroom. I know a lot women who suffer from this woe. Now if you’re sure you really want to live with your girl, then start arming yourself with screwdrivers and snake, and be prepared to battle this every now and then.

    Frederic Philhower @ Pure Plumbing Service