But because of the gravity of the issue, I'm going to bring it up again.
Ladies and gentlemen, there appears to be a spike in social retardation amongst adults in the U.S.
|Yes, I was shocked too.|
We must combat this negative trend and ban together against the "That's just who I am/Calls it like I sees it" assholes, as well as the jack-wagons who falsely claim to have Asperger's. Unless they have talents and skills on par with fictional doctor's Brennan or House, no free passes shall be given!
|^These are your only options Asperger fakers.^|
5. "This is my friend Gary. He's gay. We're just like Will & Grace!"
Yes, I'm sure your friend appreciates you advertising his sexuality in such a flippant manner. Almost as much as he loves being pigeonholed into a particular personality type.
Also, if this is seriously how you introduce your friend, it's kind of hard for the conversation to progress...
"So, Gary, nice to meet you. Um, how long have you liked dick?"
In no way can this end well.
If "Gary" is really your friend, why wouldn't you reference his hobbies, work, or interests instead?
Surely I can't be too out of line with this way of thinking?
And yet it's not just the girls being socially retarded...
4. "Hey girl, you like to party?"
Most females are not idiots. Your thinly veiled suggestion to do drugs/have sex is unbelievable disgusting. And in our eyes you have just morphed into Slimer.
|Not something anyone wants to go home with.|
Say that line to a female while trying to get your dance on from behind and see how fast she turns to her friends with the "Help Me" face.
3. "Wow, you're all grown up now aren't you?"
Since we're on the subject of slimy men, granted this one may be more of a niche issue, yet it deserves to be addressed.
Gentlemen, I understand you may be recently divorced. So you want to go out and do what you think single guys do. Well, when you're at the bar trying out your Most Interesting Man in the World Act, and realize that your pretty cocktail waitress is the little girl from your old neighborhood/a former student/whatever, keep in mind that you're probably old enough to be her father.
If you have trouble grasping that concept here's a visual aide:
|Perception vs. Reality|
You are not Don Draper.
"Well heeeeyy, Katy. I didn't know you worked here! Wow, you sure have grown!"
|Oh my God, who drove grandpa to the bar?|
Ew, ew, ew.
But this is not just a gender issue.
2. When addressing a black man:
"You look just like Sean Combs/Will Smith/Denzel Washington/Other famous black dude!"
"You play basketball, right?"
|The similarities are obvious, right? |
Look at our skin tones!
|Although, this guy does look eerily Will Smithish.|
Over the years I've had a lot of females make this statement when talking to me. Females that I had considered good friends. Not only is it kind of awkward, but I get an overwhelming urge to find a reflective surface.
|Dammit! It's just as I suspected.|
"Guys are more fun and less drama. Girls are all superficial and will talk behind your back."
|Ohmigawd! This show is like my life!|
Also, the sweeping generalization thing has got to stop (ha!). Saying that all girls are superficial is akin to stating that all men are sports junkies. Neither is the case.
Sorry Charlie, men and women just can't be best buds. Unless one of them is gay. And even then, someone is probably harboring some unrequited love.
Do I have male friends? Sure. But we don't call each other all the time and have "movie nights" because I know what's up and it would be weird.
|"So, how about those Red Wings?"|
Here's a secret...
|The pretty girls are the best ones to be friends with, |
because you can leave them by themselves at a bar/party/church social for a few minutes
and when you return, without fail, there will be a flock of guys hovering around them.
|And then you just pick off the strays...|
Flawless? Yes I think so too.