7.23.2012

Disgusting experiment

If you're eating, have a soft spot for animals, or get queasy easily, DON'T read this post! 
Fo' serious.


Hey, Troy.

Yeah?

There's a vulture in our front yard.

Really? Are you sure?
Sup?
Um, pretty sure...
You know, I've never seen one just hanging out like this before. What do you think it's doing?

Well, there's a dead raccoon in the front yard so...

What?!

Yeah, I noticed it yesterday when I was in the side yard cutting down a tree. (Yup. He's a total lumberjack.) The smell was intense!

Oh my god, I think I see it. Is it that flat looking thing near the walkway?

Troy leans over in chair to peer out window.
Huh. Looks like it moved a little since yesterday. Animals are probably doing a number on it.

That's disgusting.
I turn back to window to survey the scene.
Um, babe, there's like chunks of fur and entrails scattered around out there. This is too frickin gross. What should we do? Do you think we could call the city to come pick it up?

Well, we live in the county, so I doubt it.

What are we supposed to do then? Bag it?

Eh, there's like a million flies out there. Just leave it.

Leave it?

Yeah.

I can't just leave it. Are you crazy?!

It'll decompose in a few days.

So we're just going to have a festering raccoon shaped flesh sack decomposing in our front yard for the next week?!

Well, the sun should dry it out.

Ugh. Whatever. I'm going out there... and I'm wearing your shoes!

Fine.

.....    .....     .....     .....     .....

And go out there I did, wearing poor Troy's work boots out of spite, because...
 1. I'm not getting carcass on my shoes.
and
2. I'm a terrible girlfriend.

I like to fancy myself capable of dealing with some pretty gross stuff.
I mean, I've cleaned up vomit at bars, blood and feces in prison, and have seen a number of other pretty disturbing things just working where I do.
But to be honest, it wasn't so much the raccoon carcass putrefying in the hot Georgia sun that caused me to make a hasty retreat as it was the flies.

Image a host of buzzing, crawling, fat black flies. They've stuffed themselves to the point of bursting, yet are still cramming raccoon goo into their greedy little maws. There were so many that they gave the illusion that the body was moving, as their black mass scrabbled all over exposed raccoon guts...

.....    .....     .....      .....


Door slams.

Back so soon?

I left it. Thing was beyond repulsive. The flies would probably have tried to eat me anyway.

Thought so.

Shut up.

.....     .....     .....     .....     .....     .....

So now we are conducting an experiment to see just how much more dead a dead thing can get.

But, because I don't want to perma-gross anyone out. Here's a picture of an adorable raccoon for your viewing pleasure.
Sup? I'm cute and fuzzy!




Disgusting Update!








Now, because I have no filter and refuse to be the only one to have viewed such horror, here's a picture of the thing that's in our yard:

Yeah it's gross.
Quit whining, at least it's low resolution and you're not smelling it.

Week and a half later:

Never thought I'd be so excited to say: "Yay! Flies are gone."


And so with the help of my friends Baking Sunlight, Rigamortis, Shovel, and Piggly Wiggly Dumpster, The Great Decomposing of 2012 has finally come to an end.

Successful disposal!


Conclusion: Provided the creature is exposed to direct sunlight and temperatures in excess of 90 degrees, it takes 10 days for an animal weighting approximately 20lbs to reach a skeletal state of decomposition.
Yeah, I'm terrible.

2 comments:

  1. Because of theCHIVE, I now read your blog for amusement.

    650

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, I appreciate the input!

      Delete