|Also, a terrible winker.|
(On taking the dog for a walk)
"We should go a different route. I wore this same dress last week."
"I'm not superficial. I just don't want a ring that looks like it came out of a gumball machine."
"Ugh. Kids. Can't enjoy a day at the beach because one of the little bastards are always around.
Whining because they've dropped a chip."
"My ideal date? Decent food and a reflective surface so I can casually check my hair."
"I love antiquing. There's always so many mirrors."
"Children. Why must they have perpetually sticky fingers?"
"This face is not natural. But it is a work of art."
"It's bullshit that women can get away with such casual dress on job interviews."
"Child, please. The time we spend on hair alone should justify any outfit."
"No, no. I like kids fine. I love them when they're old enough to work a blender."
"Dammit Mercedes-Benz, you see this heap I'm driving? Go ahead and tailgate. I'll slam these brakes in a second, I've got nothing to lose!"
"What lipstick shade is that? Whore?"
"Is M-- working today?"
"He must be, the place reeks of Brut."
"Just curious, how many cases of cologne do you go through in a... month?"
"No darling, it's only avant garde in magazines. You just look like a slut."
"I don't know if I can muster as intense an eye-roll as that deserves."
"There should be a tax write off for pity sex. Especially looking like I do."
"Well, he was going down for over an hour. Eventually I just felt sorry for him."
"Oh, so when you caught him he said it was the first time? Well, cheating and lying tend to go together..."
"Texting is easily the shadiest form of communication."
"You can usually tell the drama queens as soon as they comment about 'hating drama'."
"My only true prejudice is Teetotalism."
"Oh, you're 'just being honest'? It's funny how often that coincides with 'just being a bitch'."
"Oh please, I've served my county. I've dated a man from almost every branch of the military."
"Do you even listen to yourself?"
"Yes. And I've made a list."