Is this actually happening?

Realtor Joe: "Hey!"

"Hi Realtor Joe."

"Guess what?"

(gives me no time to guess)

"They took your offer!"

"WHAT?!"

*starts hyperventilating*

wheeze wheeze wheeze....

"Are you okay?"

(uncomfortably long pause)

....

............

.......................

"Yes! Oh, oh, wow. Wait. Is this for real? What about negotiations? I was told there would be negotiations?! WHAT AM I MISSING?!?!"

"Um, no. You're good. They were about to go into foreclosure, so the sellers bank just decided to go with your offer."

(dead silence)

"You close in five weeks."

.....

"You'll be a homeowner by the end of the year!"

.....

"...Hello?"

"This...there's something wrong... this is too easy."

And for a brief period of time, I came close to vomiting up the thirty two ounces of coffee and spoonful of peanut butter that had been my breakfast.

Emotions have gone from disbelief to excitement to terror. I went back to excitement briefly, but now I'm smack dab in the middle of being completely petrified.

I mean, these are real adults, and real businesses that I'm dealing with here. And they're all trusting me to not screw everything up.

I may need to lie down.

It's one thing to fantasize about your dream house. Casually waving your hand and being all like, "Yeah, I'll just tear down this wall and add a skylight. That second room could totally double as a non-regulation bowling alley."
But now, oh man, now things are actually happening!

Am I ready for this kind of responsibility?

Oh god, I'm going to need to buy a lawnmower.

The object of my affection

After months of stalking real estate websites, newspaper listings and open houses like a rejected lover, I've finally narrowed the field to one.
One glistening, shiny, beacon on a hill, thing of residential beauty.

Behold! The dream house.

Okay, so maybe I exaggerated. Slightly.

In reality it's a hundred year old bungalow with no insulation, save, perhaps, a few bundles of old newspaper clumsily stuffed in between the walls. The windows are in desperate need of being replaced. Some are broken and others are leaking.
There's no garage. No one has any idea when the last time the septic tank was pumped out. And although the electrical has been updated, most of the old wiring was left in between the walls.

Also, there's an old indian burial ground in the backyard.

Yes I suppose that does sound terrifying

Alright, just kidding about the burial ground.

Maybe.

In the seller's disclosure, which is basically a piece of paper stating the details of the property to the best of the seller's knowledge, there's a question asking if there have been any graves, burial pits, caves or mine shafts on the property. Guess which box they checked?

Our home ownership could either play out like Poltergeist or Indian Jones

Anyway, being a good daughter, I sent pictures and information to both parents soliciting advice.
Also, in case we get sucked through a portal to the "other side" it might be handy if someone else knows the address to our potential residence.

Just in case..

Being that I have wonderful parents, the internet, experienced friends, well-meaning co-workers, and live near a massive library, I've compiled a list of good advice.
None of which I'll be following particularly closely...

Such as:

# 4 Stay away from fixer-uppers.

 Okay, I get this. There's no telling what horrors await in the structure of an old house. Inspectors are human and may miss things, which, left unchecked, could devastate a property.
On that note, I've been told to Netflix The Money Pit more than once as a reference for home renovations gone horribly wrong.

Horror movie masked as comedy.

 Maybe I'm just arrogant and naive, (yes), but it seems that as long as you're honest with yourself about the condition of the property, there's no reason to write off a house needing some TLC.
Mainly because there's no such thing as the "perfect house" anyway. Especially for people just starting out. Compromises will need to be made, and brand new buildings, whether because of budget constraints or personal preferences, aren't always a practical option.
That said, know your limits. A house may have great "potential" but only after you've sunk the equivalent of Luxembourg's gross domestic product into it.

Sometimes a bulldozer is the best solution.

# 3 Make sure it's not more work than you can handle.

  So now after I've effectively ignored the first bit of advice, several sighs and shaking of heads later, I'm warned to at least not get in over my head.
Ah, tis wise counsel. Fortunately I have a secret weapon.

Ladies..

No, not just paper towels, although they are ridiculously handy.
Fortunately I'm partnered up with someone who actually has some real world experience building houses. Otherwise the go it alone route would be terrifying.

But a lot of things can happen after an inspection. The number of structural issues, plumbing and electrical problems that come to light will certainly weigh heavily against the "vintage charm" that drew us to the property in the first place. If the house is solid in and of itself however, most other things can be dealt with.

This is where I've become bff's with the local library and youtube. Both have a wealth of knowledge in everything from installing insulation to repairing plumbing. And honestly, as a result, I feel pretty good about replacing windows.
Feel free to laugh though when I screw up later.

Because I'm not ashamed to blog about it

Yet despite what may sound like over-confidence, I do know where to draw the line. And that would be electrical and anything beyond minor plumbing. Also, if there happens to be a geyser or quicksand under the foundation, we'll be moving on.
So yes, know your limits. Of both your budget and abilities.

Oh, and home warranties aren't a bad idea either. They'll cover your appliances and most electrical and plumbing issues. And since most everything is negotiable in a sale, it's not a bad idea to get the sellers to pay for a year of warranty coverage if you can.

# 2 Avoid short sales.

If there are some serious time constraints attached to your need/desire to purchase a home, it's true that this may not be the best path.
A short sale is basically the last step before a property goes into foreclosure status. The seller to just trying to dump the property for whatever they can get.
Sounds like an opportunity to get a sweet deal right?
Not necessarily.
The seller's lender is also involved in this increasingly awkward menage a trois. And if they don't like the deal you've proposed to the seller, then it doesn't happen.
Say two consenting adults agree to get a little freaky. In a short sale the bank bribed the desk clerk and busts into your cheap motel room to say nah-uh to the shetland pony and saran wrap.

I don't think so, whore.

Also, banks aren't designed to manage real estate. A lot of short sale properties may be sold "as-is".
This puts even more importance upon the inspection, if the seller/bank isn't going to fix issues with the property then it becomes your problem, leading to continued lengthy negotiations regarding the worth of the house now that you have to do X, Y and Z repairs.
Banks are also notorious for taking their sweet, sweet time when it comes to replying to an offer. For us though, it'll be worth a try simply because we aren't in a huge rush. Our jobs and lack of children allow us to be fairly flexible. And if you're willing to wait, there are deals to be had.

# 1 Don't get emotionally attached

Okay, we're talking about a future home. Not just a house. This will be a place where memories are made. An emotional attachment is the difference between a home and a well insulated box. (Or in our case, not so well insulated.)
Granted, limits need to be addressed. We all need to know when to walk away. But that doesn't mean I won't be a little broken-hearted if, when push comes to shove, I'll have to let go.
Maybe it'll be the foundation that will be that proverbial straw, or the indian burial ground.
Someone else could be a little quicker and snatch it up first.
Either way, there's no way to know until a little digging is done.

Maybe it's that reckless confidence of youth. Bold and slightly retarded.
Ah hell, what's the worst that could happen?

But it has an awesome porch!

So you want to buy a house…

We’re looking because we just got married…want to start a family… move out of the parent’s place…need more room…settle down…invest in property…good time to buy…the bodies are starting to pile up and I need a place to put them...

……

Er... I mean... need more space

You don’t have to explain yourself. There are a lot of reasons people want to become homeowners. We’re all chasing after some version of the American Dream. And for most people, owning a piece of property is a part of that, whether it’s a condo high rise, townhouse, or single family home.
So if you fantasize about spending Saturdays at Home Depot, or killing your obnoxious apartment mates, homeownership could be for you!

Sweeping generalizations here, but I'm going to run with it.

Like many of my friends I graduated college in 2008. In Michigan.
Coincidently that is the same year the economy decided to explore it’s daredevil side and go into a freefall.  

Pictured: Economy circa 2008

You know things are bad out there when you’ve got a bachelors degree and are working as a cocktail waitress. Suddenly those four years of higher learning don’t seem as valuable as the ability to hike up your boobs and apply just the right amount of eyeliner.

Hustlin’…hustlin’…hustlin’

Not complaining though. In reality I am very, very lucky.
My “in-between time” was short, only about eight months. And I had the privilege of working with and for some of the best people I’ve yet to meet.

After putting out applications and resumes to most of the lower 48 I finally got what I thought was my “big break” and went to work for the state of Ohio as a juvenile corrections officer.

Ever have a job so soul sucking that you literally got sick to your stomach every day before you went to work? Yeah. I did that shit for a year. While again applying to jobs everywhere I could think of. Every. Single. State.
After using up all my vacation, personal, and sick leave to attend interviews I finally caught a break and was hired on as a parole officer for the state of Georgia.

And for those of you that haven’t done it yet. Let me tell you, there is nothing more satisfying than giving the finger, both of them, to the job you hate. It was almost worth spending a year in that hell hole just to instigate a riot and tell ODYS to suck it on my last day.  But that’s a story for another time…

Although seriously Ohio, fuck you.

And for the record, I’m not trying to pull any bullshit that I single handedly pulled myself up by my bootstraps. As ingrained as that ideology is in American, no one is an island. And the people who pretend that their success is only of their own making are either liars or delusional. Everyone gets some help in some form along the way, and if you fail to recognize it, then screw you for being an ungrateful bastard.
I’ve definitely had help from family and friends, for which I am eternally grateful. And, let’s be honest. A little luck can do wonders. However, for as much as you can “trust to Providence” you’ve still got to row toward shore.

So anyway, one happy dance, a transfer, and a year and six months later, I’m living in Savannah fuckin Georgia. 

Yeah, that's basically my backyard.

And I am actually, dare I say it? In a realistic position to hoodwink a bank into buying me a house so I can pay them back twice it’s worth over the course of thirty years!

Long live the American Dream!

Seriously though, most people are in the position where they’re spending just as much in rent as they would be on a monthly mortgage payment, for significantly less space, and zero investment potential. And the only thing keeping them from being homeowners is that down payment.

Yup. This is 2011 folks, the days of 100% financing are pretty much over. Better start saving your pennies, and hope that life doesn’t decide to screw you with a horrific mudslide of failure.

So here I go. I’m young and inexperienced, but don’t let the mascara fool you.

I’m off to buy a house.