An entire day spent being hopelessly productive. You either forgot or didn't have time to eat. Now you're starving and in no mood to either cook or clean up after cooking. A restaurant takes too long, and fast food won't cut it.
What's that you say? A buffet? You mean an all-encompassing eat till you die buffet with over 250 items available?
Fuck yes!
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| Yes, yes. A thousand times yes! |
First, a little back story.
This buffet that we patronized scored a 46% with the local health department on 7/25/2011. (Bear in mind anything under 70% is labeled "unsatisfactory" and will get you fined.) They were then given a few days to clean up their act, but again scored a disappointing 51% on 8/3/2011. At this point the health department got for real real, not for play play, and shut the place down. A few days later the buffet reopened with a shiny new score of 96%.
A short time after that I was hungry as hell, and as fate would have it, received two glorious Hibachi Grill and Supreme Buffet coupons, cleverly disguised as junk mail.
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| Go ahead, print it out. If you dare. |
The previous low scores were no match for the new, nearly perfect, numbers (who cares if bribery was involved?) and the lure of a rotating 250 item buffet.
And now you provide coupons!?
Challenge Accepted.
Hibachi Grill Supreme Buffet vs. Carson
Salmonella & Cast Iron Digestion Defense
E. Coli Sneak Attack
Weakness: Weakness:
Health Department Crawfish
Round 1
Fight!
I entered the ring of cheap sushi and cheaper chicken, nearly crazed by the ridiculous selection that abounded.
Ignoring my mother's advice to "stock up on meat, because that's what costs the most", I loaded up on some delectable looking noodles covered with cheese and CPR instructions.
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| This, but with an extra pound of cheese and cholesterol. |
Back at the table, digging into the magnificent pile of barely palatable food I noticed something rolling around in my mouth that just didn't seem right. (Hold the perverted jokes until the end)
Egads! It appeared to be a bit of paper. Gross! Was it a straw wrapper? Discarded fortune from a fortune cookie? Part of that paper stuff that soaks up the juice from raw chicken?
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| Ew. |
Lesser folk may have allowed their delicate sensibilities to get in the way, making a break for the exit.
Indeed, I myself may have called it quits under different circumstances.
But it was not this day!
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| Yeah. Just like this. |
Because I'll be damned if I don't get my $6 out of this! Rawr!
Carson win!
Round 2
Fight!
Back up with a new plate. The edge had been taken off my hunger, yet there was still at least 176 items that I'd yet to try.
Behold! A delightful looking dish called "Treasure Shrimp".
Well, I like shrimp, and treasure is always nifty. How could this be anything other than delightful?
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| "Please don't eat us kind miss! We'll lead you to treasures under the sea!" "Hush! A little less pleading and a little more cover yourself in soy sauce" |
No joke, the aftertaste from those things are what nightmares are made of.
| That's how they burrow into your brain... |
And the only other item on my plate was a glob of tapioca pudding.
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| There's really nothing good about this stuff is there? |
And for the record, that slop could have easily doubled as wallpaper paste.
I couldn't pull it off.
Damn you Hibachi, you win this round..
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| 性交しなさい! |
Round 3
Fight!
After glutting out on all things sodium, protein, and sweet and sour, it was time to satisfy the sweet tooth.
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| So... glorious... |
Adorable bowls filled with pudding, tiny sweet cakes and petite slices of pie graced the table. Everything looked fantastic. Unfortunately that's about the extent of it. Whether due to a lack of sugar or excess of chalk, the tiny cake and pie tasted more like the White Cliffs of Dover than delightful confections.
I kept on though, mostly because the pieces were so small I didn't realize how lousy they were until the last bite.
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| Not pictured: Restraint |
But the mint pudding was a special sort of crazy in and of itself.
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| The secret ingredient is Listerine. |
Tasting like a combination of mouthwash and creme de menthe, I finished it more out of a sick curiosity to see if the stuff would get me buzzed, than because it was good.
Because, and I cannot stress this enough... it wasn't.
Ate it, but hated it
Draw
Sudden Death Round
Okay, honestly, there are no winners upon leaving Hibachi Grill Buffet. Sure I got more than $6 out of the experience, but I also left filled with 250 varieties of shame and some vicious burps.
But then, the fortune cookie pretty rockin...
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| Fortunately it was mostly Japanese |
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