6 cliches to avoid when shopping for houses.

I've logged more hours than I'd care to admit watching various house hunting shows on HGTV and TLC. And it's come to my attention that, on every show, almost without fail, the home buyer will have a stupid complaint or crack a tired joke with the realtor. The realtor will express concern or give a half-hearted laugh, but you know that with every fake smile they die a little on the inside.
Customer service as a profession, although potentially rewarding, often sucks harder than True Blood. So besides remembering that your realtor is a human being, take these things into consideration when buying your first place, to, you know, avoid killing them softly with your retarded entitled demands.

# 6 "I was really hoping for some better landscaping."

Really? Really asshole? We haven't even gotten inside the house and you're crying that there aren't enough pretty flowers for you to neglect?

Don't lie, this is exactly what it would look like in six weeks

Lets be real here. A well landscaped yard, although it does make the place more desirable, does not increase the value of a home. And as nice and full as that wisteria vine is, or isn't, it's all just window dressing. Realtors are occasionally guilty of this as well though, trying to sell people a craptastic house simply because, "It's got an orange tree in the backyard!"

And for $30 I can have an orange tree anywhere.

Anyway, don't get bent out of shape over landscaping, especially because, with a little effort, it's such an easy fix. For a few hundred dollars you can throw down some dirt and mulch, buy a few bulbs and plants and presto chango! The neighbor dog will come and dig it up anyway.

Next time invest in a fence first.

# 5 "I don't know if I like this color.."

And I don't know if I like your face. But guess what? One of them only costs $80 to change!

The other is free, courtesy of my fist.

For as often as realtors must have to listen to people complaining about wall coverings it's amazing that one of them hasn't just completely flipped their shit. Unless the wall is either smeared with feces or the most ridiculous glitter flecked avocado green, wall color isn't even worth mentioning unless all you're saying is, "I can repaint this."
Paint is literally the cheapest, quickest, easiest fix there is. And unless you have some sort of disability, everyone can do it. If you are disabled, buy me a pizza and some rum and I'll throw down some primer for you. It'll have to be a lot of rum though. Plus travel expenses.

I will Sistine Chapel that shit.
(Results not typical)

# 4 "Seems like a lot of maintenance"

Every so often you'll see a guy, after looking out onto a vast expanse of lush grass, turn, and with a skeptical expression, make a comment about "upkeep".
Really, I can't hate on this one too much. If you work hard and don't want to be concerned with skimming the pool, mowing the lawn, or checking for drafts when you get home then fine.
But then why are you looking to buy a home?

Unless it's something like this.

Being a homeowner means a constant battle with the elements, bugs, moisture, and just.. just everything. You are constantly under siege and it's easy to see why that might not be everyone's brand of vodka.  But unless you've got stupid amounts of money and can hire as many illegals or ex-convicts as you need to keep up appearances, save yourself, and your realtor, some time and energy and just rent a sweet loft.
That way, when the A.C goes kaput you don't have to call fifteen different heating and air companies, hoping you manage to pick the one that will at least use lube while reaming you in the... compressor?

I have no idea how air conditioning works.
Ice gnomes?

Nope, the landlord is your one stop shop for all your oh-shit-the-toilet-is-overflowing-and-oh-oh-God!-It's-EVERYWHERE   needs.

Homeowner? That is all you buddy.

# 3 "I really like this house, but prefer that location" (looks expectantly at realtor)

Facepalm

Okay, fantastic, you've got things narrowed down. However, unless your realtor is some kind of sorcerer who can pull an abracadabra switcheroo why even bring this up? It's not going to happen. Ever. EVER.
When making this kind of decision though, keep in mind, depending on how hard you're willing to work, you can change your house, but never your location.

I don't care how many community gardens you start, you're still just going to be the nicest house in the 'hood.

At this point it just comes down to priorities. How much you value your PS3, laptop, and sense of security vs. your abilities as a renovator?

Either way, don't inquire into violating the laws of physics so casually.

# 2 Be realistic

Enter a young couple. They're bubbly, fresh and excited. Their spending limit is in the neighborhood of $95,000 and they've come equipped with a three page list of "must-haves".

Bitch please. You're not getting a jetted tub.

No.

Yeah yeah, it's a buyers market. Blah, blah, blah.
I don't care, unless you're building your house from the ground up, don't get upset if your realtor is unable to find your magic princess dream house. In a modest price range like that you will either:
A. Get the nicest house in the shittiest side of town.
or
B. Get a piece of shit house in a nice area of town.

Choose your fate!

For me personally, location tends to win over structure. Mostly because of my job, and partly because I'm dating the equivalent of the Brawny lumberjack.

The man can fix anything.

Just have an idea of what you can afford before you go making a jackass of yourself. That's really all we ask.


# 1 "Signing my life away!"

Congratulations! You're closing!
Now please, for the love of all that is good and pure, avoid making this comment as you pretend to read your contract.
It's the equivalent of using the same tired pick up line on a cocktail waitress.
They'll smile, but really they've just died a little more inside.

And yes, I know how much an average polar bear weighs.

Seriously though, its...just...terrible.