Customer service as a profession, although potentially rewarding, often sucks harder than True Blood. So besides remembering that your realtor is a human being, take these things into consideration when buying your first place, to, you know, avoid killing them softly with your retarded entitled demands.
# 6 "I was really hoping for some better landscaping."
Really? Really asshole? We haven't even gotten inside the house and you're crying that there aren't enough pretty flowers for you to neglect?
|Don't lie, this is exactly what it would look like in six weeks|
|And for $30 I can have an orange tree anywhere.|
|Next time invest in a fence first.|
# 5 "I don't know if I like this color.."
And I don't know if I like your face. But guess what? One of them only costs $80 to change!
|The other is free, courtesy of my fist.|
Paint is literally the cheapest, quickest, easiest fix there is. And unless you have some sort of disability, everyone can do it. If you are disabled, buy me a pizza and some rum and I'll throw down some primer for you. It'll have to be a lot of rum though. Plus travel expenses.
|I will Sistine Chapel that shit. |
(Results not typical)
Every so often you'll see a guy, after looking out onto a vast expanse of lush grass, turn, and with a skeptical expression, make a comment about "upkeep".
Really, I can't hate on this one too much. If you work hard and don't want to be concerned with skimming the pool, mowing the lawn, or checking for drafts when you get home then fine.
But then why are you looking to buy a home?
|Unless it's something like this.|
That way, when the A.C goes kaput you don't have to call fifteen different heating and air companies, hoping you manage to pick the one that will at least use lube while reaming you in the... compressor?
|I have no idea how air conditioning works.|
Nope, the landlord is your one stop shop for all your oh-shit-the-toilet-is-overflowing-and-oh-oh-God!-It's-EVERYWHERE needs.
|Homeowner? That is all you buddy.|
Okay, fantastic, you've got things narrowed down. However, unless your realtor is some kind of sorcerer who can pull an abracadabra switcheroo why even bring this up? It's not going to happen. Ever. EVER.
When making this kind of decision though, keep in mind, depending on how hard you're willing to work, you can change your house, but never your location.
|I don't care how many community gardens you start, you're still just going to be the nicest house in the 'hood.|
At this point it just comes down to priorities. How much you value your PS3, laptop, and sense of security vs. your abilities as a renovator?
Either way, don't inquire into violating the laws of physics so casually.
# 2 Be realistic
Enter a young couple. They're bubbly, fresh and excited. Their spending limit is in the neighborhood of $95,000 and they've come equipped with a three page list of "must-haves".
Bitch please. You're not getting a jetted tub.
I don't care, unless you're building your house from the ground up, don't get upset if your realtor is unable to find your magic princess dream house. In a modest price range like that you will either:
A. Get the nicest house in the shittiest side of town.
B. Get a piece of shit house in a nice area of town.
|Choose your fate!|
For me personally, location tends to win over structure. Mostly because of my job, and partly because I'm dating the equivalent of the Brawny lumberjack.
|The man can fix anything.|
# 1 "Signing my life away!"
Congratulations! You're closing!
Now please, for the love of all that is good and pure, avoid making this comment as you pretend to read your contract.
It's the equivalent of using the same tired pick up line on a cocktail waitress.
They'll smile, but really they've just died a little more inside.
|And yes, I know how much an average polar bear weighs.|