Cringeworthy: Part Quattro "High School"

Oh, high school.

Social ineptitude, emotional train wrecks, monster zits, dances, hormones, unbelievably reckless behavior...

I'm pretty sure it's a rule that you have to do at least ten stupid things while in high school.
Or awesome?
Everything seems like a good idea at the time, but holy shit, upon looking back it's amazing I'm alive.
Really, my parents should have killed me at least a few times when my own dumb antics didn't.
And on a cold weekend in December I did very nearly die... of embarrassment.

The time: December 2002. Junior year of high school.

The place: Port Huron, Michigan

Outcome: Eh, just read the damn thing.

My high school was home to a unique group of girls. A pseudo-sorority called LRT, the "Ladies of the Round Table".
Once a year, on the first Saturday in December, they sponsored a formal dance. The dance was ladies choice, and it didn't matter what grade you were in. If you were in high school and could afford the ticket you could go.

Which is how I ended up in a dress, with a corsage as big as my head, on the arm of my boyfriend at the time. Let's call him "Rhodes".
Some names have been changed to protect the not entirely innocent.
We had a great time dancing and hanging out with friends, but eventually the lights came on and it was time to go.

Think back to your first "serious" relationship.
There was a ridiculous amount of face suck wasn't there?
Don't lie. Yes there was.

In my '93 Dodge Spirit, behind an out-of-business home improvement store...

Pimp mobile
'Cause that's just how the kids do.

Well, it's winter. So naturally the windows do this:

Which is why I didn't notice this:

Until it started doing this:
You may be thinking, "So the cops caught you making out. Who cares? No big deal."

Wait, it gets better.

Remember this program?
The D.A.R.E officer for my school district was a Mr. Deputy Muxlow.

He had also been my seventh grade softball coach.


You have exactly one guess as to who came knocking on the car window.

Yeah, we've met.
It would have been one thing had it been an officer I didn't know. I could have brushed off the embarrassment, secure in the knowledge that we were strangers and I would never see him again.
As it was though - Goodbye anonymity. Hello spirit crushing shame.

His exact words to me?

"Blair? You're driving now?"

The last time he had seen me was as a fresh faced youngster on the softball diamond. 

Now I was a painted up harlot, making out behind an abandoned store front.

And not nearly this classy.
The phrase "paralyzing mortification" sums things up quite nicely.

Thankfully, Deputy Muxlow let us go without too much fuss.

But my face has never been so red.
And of course Rhodes is in the passenger seat, laughing like a retarded seal.

Ah, high school. Could there ever be a more awkward time?

The answer you're looking for is "No".

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