I really hate to just spout off "Ohio sucks", but damn. Of all the places I've been, Ohio is the state most difficult to like.

Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of decent people in and from Ohio. But Ohio is like a group of drunk girls singing karaoke. Separately they might not be that bad, but together it's a sloppy mash-up of awful.

90% chance they're singing Lady Marmalade.
100% guarantee no one wants to sleep with them ce soir.
It's not just one thing about Ohio that makes us cringe, but the variety of suckiness the causes people to reroute their GPS. For one thing...

3. Speed Limits

Say you're on a road trip. You're moving right along making good time, but then you cross the Ohio border.
Ugh, why?!
To be fair, the (privately owned) Ohio Turnpike in the northern portion of the state, does manage to make it up to the more standard 70mph, but everywhere else, well, please enjoy the scenery.

Police there don't mess around either. Other states may let you get away with going 5-10mph over.
But not Ohio.
I understand the cops are just doing their job and speed limits are a legislative thing. But 65mph on most major highways?! Really?!

Well, okay, okay. By itself, lower speeds aren't that big of a deal, but then there's...

2. Pollution with a capital "P"

"Pffft.... boring!" you might think, "There's pollution everywhere! What are you, some overly concerned vegan hippie who sells organic zucchini grown in a compost of liberal bullshit and parental tears?"
Na-uh! We grow oranges.
Huge ones.
But seriously, Ohio is a dirty, dirty state. And not in a fun, scandalous kind of way either.

Sorry, no.
In July 2011 a study came out backed by information gathered from the EPA that listed Ohio as having THE most toxic air pollution in the U.S.
Water pollution is also a major issue, as anyone living near the Ohio or Cuyahoga rivers could tell you. Especially the Cuyahoga, more popularly known as "the river that caught on fire".
Ohio in the 60's was a wild place.
The Cuyahoga has been cleaned up some, but it is still listed as one of the 43 Great Lakes Areas of Concern. Catchy title, eh?    

But wait, there's also...

1. Rabid Ohio State fans

Let me qualify this by stating that I couldn't care less about college football. Just doesn't do it for me.
Of course there's a lot of people that are really into it, which I get. There's something very satisfying about watching your team kick ass. That said, "THE" Ohio State fans seriously need to take a second, breathe, and calm the fuck down.
I'd hate to know what they did to get those beads.
If a person with no prior knowledge of Ohio sports were to travel through the state, they would have to assume that there is only one team, only one school, and only one sport.
Cleveland Browns, Indians, Cavaliers, the Cincinnati Bengals, Reds and the Columbus Blue Jackets can apparently all go suck it because Ohio State football is a jealous mistress and will suffer no rivals for her fan base.
Oh and they also like to rock out to this super original song:

Seriously guys? Grow up.

You too.
"But hold on a minute!" you may say. "Ohio is awesome! It's the Birthplace of Aviation, more astronauts have come from Ohio than any other state. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is in Cleveland and there's also Cedar Point, the motherf*ckin roller coaster capital of the world!"

Okay, true, the Wright brothers come from Ohio. But they owe their success to a Mr. Octave Chanute. Hailed as the "father of aviation" Chanute was an old man when he got into the flying business and not spry enough to attempt flights himself.
I'd prefer to sit here and look wise.
Yet he did design and help finance multiple aviation experiments, basically holding the Wright brother's hands as they built their own gliders, which were based on Chanute's designs.

And regarding the high number of astronauts from Ohio, I'm willing to bet they're just trying to get as far away from their polluted home state as possible. And have succeeded remarkably well.
 I honestly have no idea why the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is in Cleveland. If anyone does know, please enlighten me.
It's not like they have a super bustling music scene. Maybe it's the $65 million Cleveland fronted to have the Hall of Fame built there.
Just maybe...

Ah, Cedar Point. You got me there. The place is awesome.
Funnel cakes and going upside down at high speeds.
How is this not a good idea?!
But wait a moment, isn't Cedar Point...

                                                                            ...an island?

Huh, even the best part about Ohio appears to be desperately trying to break away.



  1. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is in Cleveland because the DJ credited with coining the phrase "Rock and Roll", Alan Freed, got his start broadcasting in the area. There's a Sirius/XM broadcasting studio upstairs at the Hall of Fame named after him.

  2. Well ma'am, I believe I have just been schooled. Thanks for the clarification.