Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of decent people in and from Ohio. But Ohio is like a group of drunk girls singing karaoke. Separately they might not be that bad, but together it's a sloppy mash-up of awful.
|90% chance they're singing Lady Marmalade.|
100% guarantee no one wants to sleep with them ce soir.
3. Speed Limits
Say you're on a road trip. You're moving right along making good time, but then you cross the Ohio border.
But not Ohio.
Well, okay, okay. By itself, lower speeds aren't that big of a deal, but then there's...
2. Pollution with a capital "P"
"Pffft.... boring!" you might think, "There's pollution everywhere! What are you, some overly concerned vegan hippie who sells organic zucchini grown in a compost of liberal bullshit and parental tears?"
|Na-uh! We grow oranges. |
Water pollution is also a major issue, as anyone living near the Ohio or Cuyahoga rivers could tell you. Especially the Cuyahoga, more popularly known as "the river that caught on fire".
|Ohio in the 60's was a wild place.|
The Cuyahoga has been cleaned up some, but it is still listed as one of the 43 Great Lakes Areas of Concern. Catchy title, eh?
But wait, there's also...
1. Rabid Ohio State fans
Let me qualify this by stating that I couldn't care less about college football. Just doesn't do it for me.
Of course there's a lot of people that are really into it, which I get. There's something very satisfying about watching your team kick ass. That said, "THE" Ohio State fans seriously need to take a second, breathe, and calm the fuck down.
|I'd hate to know what they did to get those beads.|
Cleveland Browns, Indians, Cavaliers, the Cincinnati Bengals, Reds and the Columbus Blue Jackets can apparently all go suck it because Ohio State football is a jealous mistress and will suffer no rivals for her fan base.
Oh and they also like to rock out to this super original song:
Seriously guys? Grow up.
Okay, true, the Wright brothers come from Ohio. But they owe their success to a Mr. Octave Chanute. Hailed as the "father of aviation" Chanute was an old man when he got into the flying business and not spry enough to attempt flights himself.
|I'd prefer to sit here and look wise.|
And regarding the high number of astronauts from Ohio, I'm willing to bet they're just trying to get as far away from their polluted home state as possible. And have succeeded remarkably well.
It's not like they have a super bustling music scene. Maybe it's the $65 million Cleveland fronted to have the Hall of Fame built there.
Ah, Cedar Point. You got me there. The place is awesome.
|Funnel cakes and going upside down at high speeds.|
How is this not a good idea?!
Huh, even the best part about Ohio appears to be desperately trying to break away.